Which came first: the chicken or the egg?
That’s beside the point. They were both excellent communicators who checked in with each other to make sure they were equally satisfied.
“Greg who? Wow, no one’s ever asked me that before. Who am I really? There’s so much to explore. I will now spend the next half hour of our date talking about myself—don’t interrupt.”
“There are plenty of fish in the sea,” said the Tinder employee.
“I’m afraid not,” said the marine biologist. “The straight men caught them all for their profile pics.”
A man reaches across the table for a check, but it’s not the bill. What is it?
His phone, so he can check Wikipedia for the accuracy of something his date said.
What happened to the man who expected the women in his life to manage his calendar?
He had a hard time finding a date.
“So, what? You just don’t like men?” said the man.
“Yes,” said the woman.
How do you increase the chances of a woman smiling?
When is it okay to approach a woman in a dark alley?
When she’s on your bowling team and you’re congratulating her on another strike.
“I’d like to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage,” the man said.
“Honestly, that sounds like it’s between you and her hand,” the father said.
My last boyfriend was so crazy.
How crazy was he?
Actually, I don’t know—I’m not a licensed medical professional, so I shouldn’t be diagnosing a person’s mental health. And either way, “crazy” is a pejorative that we as a society should eliminate from our lexicon.
Why was the zombie surprised when the ghost ordered a whiskey?
He didn’t think she could handle her booOOoos.
Why did the pickup artist eat breakfast alone?
Because no one cared for his rotten neggs.
“I wish you could see how beautiful you really are,” the man said.
“And I wish you would give me back my glasses,” said the woman. “I can’t see anything.”
A man walks into a bar. He has a drink, respects the boundaries of everyone there, and politely leaves… nice!
Excerpted from the book, Jokes to Offend Men, by Allison Kelley, Danielle Kraese, Kate Herzlin, and Ysabel Yates, illustrated by Millie von Platen. Reprinted by permission of Andrews McMeel Publishing, a division of Andrews McMeel Universal. Copyright © 2022 by Allison Kelley, Danielle Kraese, Kate Herzlin, and Ysabel Yates.