When today’s news broke, I was dumbfounded and horrified. Not because I didn’t expect it, but because the mainstream media has once again totally botched the biggest story of the 2016 election. Of course, I am referring to the new allegations that, during the presidential election, Hillary Clinton personally oversaw an effort to set giant pythons loose in Florida to eat all of the Trump voters.

Also, don’t listen to the Mueller stuff. Just stay away from that, okay?

The facts of today’s news are incontrovertible. In 2016, Hillary Clinton visited Florida more than any other state except for Ohio and Pennsylvania. Fact. Also, Florida currently has an infestation of Burmese pythons that are causing chaos in the Everglades. Fact. Finally, there could be a recording out there of Hillary Clinton saying, and I quote, “The Clinton Foundation is a front for raising thousands of snakes that I train to consume people who are likely to vote for my political opponents.” Fact.

Do you know what’s not a fact? The new indictments in the Russia investigation. You can be indicted for anything these days — it doesn’t necessarily mean that you compromised American democracy in cahoots with a foreign power. That being said, Hillary Clinton should be indicted.

We only need one reason to see why: every time she visited Florida during the 2016 campaign, she was completely out of the public eye for literally minutes at a time. During each of those episodes, she had every chance to quietly slip away, creep to a warm nest of mangrove roots or marsh grass, and empty a bag full of baby pythons carefully bred to devour Republican voters in swing districts.

It’s obvious that the entire Mueller investigation is a total charade. This is the real story: Hillary Clinton may very well have personally deposited thousands of pythons throughout Florida with the express intent of murdering thousands of Americans and replacing them with, I assume, liberal robots.

These claims should be given even more weight due to the eerily suspicious timing of the whole so-called “official inquiry.” Do you really think it’s a coincidence that a federal grand jury approved the charges in the special investigation just days before the news broke about the Clinton campaign’s Python Strategy? Seems to me that we’ve got a 2016 presidential candidate spewing out random nonsense in an effort to distract Americans, cast doubt on perfectly legitimate investigations, and slither to safety. That candidate’s name is Hillary Clinton, and do you know what else slithers? Giant man-eating pythons. I am deliberate in my word choice.

If you still doubt this real story that has been reported by numerous real sources, then try proving to yourself that Hillary Clinton didn’t spend the past four years working to build a self-sustaining reptile colony that has been genetically engineered to find Trump supporters tasty. You can’t, because that would require proving a negative, which is impossible, but also because she did it. Maybe she even did it with Russia. Maybe they’re Russian Burmese pythons.

And you probably shouldn’t turn on the TV or read the news today. It’s just a bunch of Mueller nonsense that might convince you if you saw it.