New laws shall be announced on Twitter. Should any law receive more favorites than retweets, it shall be subject to appeal.
The third Thursday of every month shall be a national Throwback Thursday. Senators will be required to wear powdered wigs in recognition of the holiday.
Roman numerals shall be abolished from the constitution (we realized seeing three X’s in a row like that makes everyone feel super weird).
The very chill Barn Swallow shall replace the clearly psychotic Bald Eagle as the national bird.
Federal luncheons shall be abolished in favor of federal bruncheons, which must be catered by the local Korean Barbecue food truck with the highest Yelp reviews.
In lieu of the traditional weekly radio address, the President shall make guest appearances on a random citizen’s podcast.
NASA shall dedicate 30% of its budget to making flying cars a thing, as it has been established by pretty much every movie ever that those were supposed to be a thing by now.
In an effort to make our elections truly transparent, presidential candidates shall post to Instagram a monthly #nofilter selfie.
The U.S. Ambassador to Canada must now and forever be related to Aubrey “Drake” Graham
The IRS shall levy income tax through Venmo. Kickstarter earnings will be taxed on a case-by-case basis.
To declare war, congress must clearly outline what it is good for — in a well-reasoned think piece on Medium.com.
For presidential candidates who engage in personal attacks and/or cyber bullying, political debates shall institute some kind of “Throwing Shade” penalty.
Corporations shall not be people, unless they are active on Snapchat.
All elected officials must swear into office by placing their right hand on a MacBook Air while promising to “stay woke” in office.
Neither unpaid internship nor credit-only positions shall exist within these United States nor any place subject to its jurisdiction. That includes you, Bay Area.
The Pledge of Allegiance shall end with, “… one nation, under Kendrick Lamar, indivisible, with liberty and HBO GO logins for all.”
The State of the Union address shall no longer be judged by applause breaks but by upvotes on Reddit.
Due to its painfully basic aesthetic, the United States flag shall be redesigned by Banksy.
Prior to their confirmation, Supreme Court nominees must demonstrate the ability to correctly use the “keeping it 100” emoji in a dissenting opinion.
Mansplaining and manspreading shall be tried as federal offenses. Cruel and unusual punishment, like forcing someone to Bing, shall be allowed for these crimes.
The use of gendered pronouns shall be prohibited. Citizens may attempt use of the all-gendered “herm” instead.
“Herm” has not taken off the way we hoped. Gendered pronouns are once again be permitted but saying things like “male nurse” shall still be totally uncool.
The capital of the United States is hereby Bushwick, you guys.