“The University of Alabama system reports between August 28 and September 3, 846 UA students tested positive for the virus in Tuscaloosa… University officials say nothing has gone wrong with its approach to combating the virus and spread.” – WBRC Fox6 News

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1. To figure out how much beer you need for a game of flip cup, multiply the cost of tuition by the number of times your college administration has emailed you saying it was safe to return to campus. Subtract the number of college credits you need to graduate.

2. Invite Sigma Chi to play against you. Limit the number of players to the number of times your college has emailed parents and alumni asking for COVID-related donations.

3. Stand eight red solo cups away from other players. Failure to do so will result in an automatic call from a contract tracer.

4. Fill each cup with enough beer to forget that you’re currently accruing massive amounts of debt to get COVID in a dark basement.

5. To chug your beer, temporarily remove your face mask. Do not move your mask down towards your chin — a wet mask won’t protect you against COVID or safeguard your bank account from greedy college administrators.

6. Forgetting to put your mask back on before you flip your cup will result in an automatic shot of Jägermeister and an administrative fee mysteriously labeled COVID SAFETY MEASURES.

7. Each time you try to flip your cup but fail, add a week to the release of the COVID vaccine.

8. Once you have successfully flipped your cup, the next player chugs her beer. The game continues until one team has finished their beer and everyone has forgotten that the economy will not recover by the time they graduate and they will be burdened with crushing amounts of student debt for the rest of their lives.

9. The team that finishes first wins, although “wins” is a strong word here since society has failed to take enough preventative measures to stop this pandemic in the first place and now blames you. Regardless, be sure to sanitize the table with a handle of vodka before stumbling back to your “safe” dormitory, where you will spend the next 14 days quarantined and then be promptly sent to your parents’ home for another semester of remote learning.