Tap water.

Sparkling water (tap water that came out of a broken faucet; it’s got some bubbles).

A cranberry, seltzer, and lime that will definitely be missing one of those things.

A nonalcoholic version of a popular beer our bartender will mishear so you can be too anxious to correct them and eventually give the beer to your friend.

Coffee brewed fresh at 3:00 p.m. on Friday afternoon (it is now 1:00 a.m. on Sunday).

The world’s most expensive mocktail that will force an overworked server to find out where we keep the fresh jicama.

Nonalcoholic craft IPA, for when you want the bitterness of hops with the bitterness of not laughing as hard during your friend’s stand-up comedy set in the back room.

Last few sips of our bartender’s Vitamin Water.

Eight-ounce can of pineapple juice mixer you can drink like you’re at a toddler’s make-believe restaurant.

Virgin Shirley Temple. No matter which part of that you loudly emphasize, you’ll be embarrassed.

A light beer. (Just drink it slowly?)

Your thirteenth glass of water of the evening.

The little bit of melted ice cube water you’ve been pretending to sip for the last forty-five minutes.

Wet slice of cucumber.

Gushing fire hydrant the neighborhood kids are currently skipping around.

The sweat dripping from your brow as you find yourself making conversation with the one other non-drinker at your friend’s stand-up comedy show.

Whatever was in that puddle on the bar you put your whole hand in.

The mental image of finally falling asleep tonight (this will be the most refreshing thing you’ve ever experienced).

Heineken Zero. Honestly, not too bad.