After two years of remote-only work, we’re excited to begin our transition back to the office. With that said, we know that remote work is here to stay, so we’re happy to announce an innovative hybrid work policy. Employees will be required to be in the office only two days a week to handle some in-office necessities, like battling the Bog Man wreaking havoc in the building.

A hybrid work schedule will allow us to excel as a company and prevent employee burnout. Forty hours in the office just isn’t sustainable in the modern workplace, especially one plagued by a vindictive Bog Man. After all, we’re only human (oh, how obvious that fact is compared to the ceaseless energy of the Bog Man).

We’re dedicated to supporting you, our employees. In doing so, we’re supplying all the modern amenities employees battling an ancient swamp abomination could need: ergonomic desk chairs, cold brew coffee on tap, and an extensive selection of battle axes, katanas, and throwing stars to ensure tactical superiority no matter where the Bog Man corners you.

Who doesn’t love cold brew, am I right? The Bog Man, that’s who. Drink it fast because coffee smell is the opposite of bog smell. We learned this after our third intern disappeared.

A few logistical notes: There are no assigned desks in the office. Keep it fun and loose. We love a free-flowing environment that doesn’t let the Bog Man get a sense of your movements. We need to be a nimble workforce as we navigate this new normal and this age-old terror trying to drag employees back to his ancestral bog.

Essential employees are, of course, exempt from this new policy. Both human resources and the Office Swordmaster will be in-person Monday through Friday to ensure swift handling of employee complaints and routine blade sharpening.

Because many of you have never met in person, we encourage ice breakers to spark conversation. Ask fun get-to-know-you questions, like “What is your favorite memory of Kurt from marketing?” If they answer with a story, run! There never was a Kurt from marketing; this is the Bog Man in one of his many clever human disguises.

Some have asked why? Well, the answer is simple: we’re returning to the office part time because it will improve productivity and company culture. [Edit: I’m now being told you all were asking why a Bog Man has overtaken our office. That question is better directed toward the Bog Man, whose motives remain opaque and can be gleaned only from bygone ancient texts and his occasional soul-piercing screams.]

We know this transition to a hybrid schedule may be difficult, but we feel the benefits of working together are too immense to pass up. Let me be clear: teamwork is necessary to defeat the Bog Man. Don’t be a hero. You don’t want to end up like Joanne (fired for insubordination) or Lyle (squeezed to death by the Bog Man).

I can’t wait to see everyone back in the office on Monday. When returning, please keep in mind that we’re still recruiting outside contractors to deal with the fiery portal in the server room and legal counsel to help us break the lease on what is clearly a demonic burial ground. See you soon!