Dear Parents,

We are pleased to inform you that we have developed effective, easy-to-follow emergency preparedness guidelines to keep your children safe: The Book of Revelation.

Written by John, the son of Zebedee, these guidelines will be used in the event that the pandemic does not end, and COVID cases continue to coincide with natural disasters, downturns in the economy, heightened levels of family-work conflict, and growing social inequality, all of which may require more extended periods of classroom closures. As of today, the school board shall be divided into seven districts for easier organization and they shall be called: Ephesus, Smyrna, Pergamum, Thyatira, Sardis, Philadelphia, and Laodicea.

Enrollment of students in one of these seven school districts will proceed automatically according to the zoning of your child’s current school. Parents will receive subsequent notification about how each of the seven districts will approach emergency-preparedness efforts in your assigned area.

We are aware that those students assigned to the district of Pergamum may feel that being so is a double-edged sword, given that Satan historically has had his throne there. We can assure you that Satan has his throne everywhere at the moment, and that no child has any greater or lesser benefit in one of the newly created districts in terms of satanical proximity. However, there will be options for manna (yeast- and gluten-free) in the cafeteria in Pergamum, should the cafeteria reopen again in the coming days and schools resume in-person learning. We are exploring the possibility of offering manna in the other districts, but not at this time, given current pandemic supply-chain issues and droughts affecting food shortages.

We understand that some parents may have concerns about Ms. Jezebel’s teaching (should your child be assigned to the Thyatira district where her classes will be held). We can assure parents whose children attend school in this newly formed district that Ms. Jezebel is under close monitoring by an angel and can only be seen from the neck up in virtual classroom settings where her teaching methods are currently under careful review.

In the newly created school district of Laodicea, the students’ motto will be: “He who has an ear, let him hear,” unless the sounds of wildfires, cars skidding during ice storms, or children screaming as they recite multiplication tables in their online classes of thirty-plus students while you sit next to them, feverish, barely maintaining composure during your conference call with Singapore after testing positive for the Omicron variant, while monitoring your child’s academic progress becomes so overwhelming that all your senses, particularly your hearing, are impeded.

All districts shall be run by twenty-four elders (a.k.a. school councilors) whose offices will be encircled by rainbows resembling an emerald. These offices will be easily identifiable, and in the event of in-person meetings between parents and staff, you can follow the signs depicting creatures covered with eyes in front and behind their bodies, adjacent to each elder’s respective location. Signs to the district offices will depict a lion, an ox, and a beast with a face like that of a man and a flying eagle, along with the figure of a lamb with seven horns and seven eyes.

From now on, children in kindergarten will receive links to join the tribe of Judah and online harp instruction (Orff method) without any need for a password to be saved.

High school students who make the honor scroll seven consecutive times will receive seven sealed transcripts by mail, free of charge, along with a golden bowl of incense. Transcripts are also downloadable as PDFs that can be sent by email. They shall be password protected (Username: 7_Scrolls, Password: Amen/EndTimes!).

Please note that school district councilor Ms. Mary Readinghall Smithson has expressed some concerns about the original authorship of our new guidelines, crediting John the Presbyter for some of the text. Unfortunately, she has recently tested positive for the Omicron variant and is in isolation while the sun has turned black like a sackcloth made of goat hair, and the moon has turned blood red, and the stars are falling to the earth as figs drop from the fig tree when shaken by a strong wind. Therefore, Ms. Readinghall Smithson is currently unavailable for comment until further notice.

Please be reminded that tomorrow’s snowstorm means there is no school for at least four days, with no further instructions unless you are contacted by one of the elders in your district.

We wish you a productive return to school during these challenging End Times!