Heeeeeey… did ‘at even beep?
DIANE! IT’S PHIL! YOU KNOW THE GRAHNHAWG YOU BLEW OFF FOR PROM 26 YEARS GO. It’s been a while.
Listen, I know what yinz all said about me in high school. Why’s at fat mouse in gym class always askin’ us to go dahn this hole in the grahnd? Why’s he live inside dirt?
Well, my hole in the ground is lookin’ pretty sweet right about now, isn’t it? President Trump’s up ‘ere tweetin’ Iran and blastin’ us into World War III, the next bubonic plague’s flyn’ in from China, all while I’m kickin’ back all safe in my La-Z-Boy sippin’ on Jack n’ Cokes and thinkin’ abaht toastin’ up some pizza bagels.
How you like my grahnhawg hole now, Diane? You wish you woulda said yes when I axed you to prom? I bet you do. I never tole you but I had a reservation dahn Finelli’s Italian Villa. You missed out on some real nice Chef’s Smothered Meatballs ‘cross from a nice guy with strong teeth who also happened to be buildin’ a safe haus for the apocalypse.
Now that that that big orange hunk of giblets has got his finger on the button all yinz from Punxsutawney Area High School class a 1994 wish you could be sleepin’ on my floor sippin’ the Tab I’ve been buyin’ on clearance since you cut me from the football team because I didn’t have “hands.”
You’re gonna see the sky light up all green an’ bright, think abaht my tricked aht bunker and wonder why when I ran for student council you made funna me for eatin’ my signs.
And when your whole haus gets so hot you ain’t even need to pull out a pan to red up pierogies yer gonna feel real bad abaht when you locked me in my locker after we was playin’ Clarion in the playoffs and forgot abaht me for five months.
Well guess what. At doesn’t even matter because who’s got no opposable thumbs and can hibernate anywhere? THIS GUY. I had a real nice nap on Mikey Dinardo’s gym shorts.
I read a story about Australian wombats that was letting other critters hide out in their burrows to escape the wildfires. Well, that ain’t me. I ain’t taken none a’ you into safety dahn here, not after what you did to me. It’s MY home with MY Sega. Yer ass can burn aht with the planet. I WILL WATCH IT BURN.
(sound of ice in glass)
You still listenin’, Diane? I didn’t mean all that. You still make me so emotional. Even though you blocked my friend request on Facebook twice I still think you’re a special lady. You know all I ever wanted was to go arahnd with you.
You wanna come over? I’ll red up a nice table. I still got my Pulp Fiction DVD. Zed’s dead baby. But we ain’t yet.