Your dog takes a highly individualized approach to your care. Instead of saying your Vitamin D is low and suggesting you get more sun, your dog takes you on three walks a day. If you have insomnia, they’ll lay on your stomach and stare into your soul until you fall asleep every night for the next fifteen years. If you’re anemic, they’ll murder a squirrel and leave it under your pillow. Would Dr. Moskowitz do that? Didn’t think so.
Forget long wait times and running between offices to see specialists. Your dog only makes house calls. And they are available 24-7. If you have a high fever in the middle of the night, your dog will check your vitals every thirty minutes from the most scientifically advanced medical facility: under the couch.
Ask your doctor if they want to go to the park with you, and they’ll up your antidepressants and refer you to a therapist. Ask your dog, and they’ll spin around in circles and run to the door, no questions asked.
When your dog is your doctor, you’ll never go to the emergency room for a debilitating migraine and get sent home with two Advil and a bill for eight thousand dollars. There are no unexpected costs because your dog doesn’t know what money is. Or bills. Instead of cash or card, they accept TreatPay, a simple behavior-based exchange. You choose what you pay based on the quality of care and if they’ve been a good boy.
Rather than spending hours on the phone begging your insurance to cover life-saving care, your dog begs you to let him cover all treatment at 100 percent. Your dog is so opposed to private insurance he chewed and swallowed your insurance card, and you had to spend eight hundred dollars to get his stomach pumped. That’s how committed your dog is to your health care.
Your doctor is always overbooked, but your dog has no other patients and no concept of time. They will never make you feel like a hypochondriac for scheduling a follow-up every time you have a stomachache. Has your gastroenterologist ever been so excited to see you that they peed on the floor? Probably not.
Your doctor needed eight years of school and a stethoscope to hear your irregular heartbeat. Your eight-pound medical prodigy, Doogie Schnauzer, hasn’t even graduated from PetSmart Puppy School, and they can detect your panic attack from the next room.
Most doctors only help you after you’re sick or injured, but your dog’s preventative care is more proactive. They nose out all health hazards, such as garbage trucks, the wind, metal sidewalk grates, and old ladies with shopping baskets on wheels. When was the last time your orthopedic surgeon dragged you half a block to avoid a collision with a kid on an electric scooter?
Your doctor doesn’t call you every so often to check in. Your dog runs over to your desk every hour to see how work is going and lower your blood pressure by letting you scratch their neck.
Your dog will never minimize your symptoms or suggest it’s “all in your head.” When you cry out in pain, they howl back in sympathy. When you sneeze, they bark until the neighbors call the police.
Your dog loves you unconditionally for their entire life. They’ll follow you to the other side of your three-hundred-square-foot studio apartment and back just to rest their little head on your feet. When you’re sad, they roll over on their back and look at you upside-down like, “I’ll take my belly rub now,” because they know it makes you laugh. They are your family. Your doctor calls you Caroline even though your name is Catherine.
The only thing your dog can’t do to improve your health is prepare your taxes. For that, you’ll need a cat.