First of all, are you sure the dam has burst? Are you positive that what you are seeing is not an optical illusion put forth by the Deep State? Don’t they have hologram technology? One time I saw a hologram of a cheesesteak at a STEM conference and tried to grab it more times than I’d like to admit before I realized it was fake.

Second of all, has the dam really burst, or are you just saying that because you are hoping to turn people against the idea of water? Listen, folks: water is good. Water gives life. Contrary to what my colleagues would like you to believe, there is no such thing as too much of a good thing. And anyway, I don’t see a torrent of water about to destroy that town. I think that dam is doing a great job and is holding just fine despite its obvious flaws because here’s the thing: that dam is our dam, dammit. You voted for that dam and if you don’t like it you can move.

Now, my friends and colleagues on the other side want you to believe that your town is about to be destroyed by a tsunami, but that’s simply not true. Yes, I see that you’re swimming in your living room. Still, again, I can’t throw out the possibility of an elaborate hologram orchestrated by my colleagues. They are such smart people and have told me in secret that they have their doubts about the speed in which we are handling this non-issue.

What I want to know is, where is the evidence that the dam has burst? And where are the eyewitnesses? Don’t tell me they’re busy drowning or that they’re scared to speak out against the structural integrity of the dam and the dam’s management team. I want to hear the hard evidence, and simply showing videos of a submerged town is not enough. It is also not enough to show the gigantic crack in the dam’s wall and all the millions of gallons of water bursting forth from it as we speak. I’ll have you know that I’ve seen bigger cracks than that in my Aunt Mabel’s famous string bean casserole, and I’ll tell you not a single bean made its way out without my say so.

And let us argue for a moment that the dam has burst. Well, all right then. Fine. We’ll play pretend, which is something that my wonderful colleagues enjoy doing every day here instead of doing their actual jobs. If the dam is busted, we need to make certain as to why it really happened in the first place, inspect the issue harshly, with a scrupulous eye and rule out any possibility that the Ukrainians, the Bidens, or a pizza shop in DC had anything to do with it. Also, Frosty the Snowman could be involved. Look, I’m just asking questions here. I don’t want to throw Frosty under the bus or start anything, but I think that all of us need to examine every single angle because it’s what the townspeople deserve and expect out of us.

No, the dam has not burst. It’s simple. It’s clear what’s being done here, and I think no one is being fooled.

What it comes down to, folks, is that my intelligent, lovely friends and colleagues are simply wrong. They are great people. I know many of them personally, and I know they love this town, but right now, all they seem to care about is bandying about a misinformation campaign that perpetuates the idea of water being bad. There is no emergency here, folks. There is no need to rush to judgment and there is absolutely nothing to see. My colleagues are arguing that the “burst dam” is tearing this town apart. No, what is tearing this town apart is this silly investigation. Ridiculous. And anyway: water is not bad, and until I see the evidence to the contrary, I will continue to believe that this is plain hooey. And with that, I will yield back to the chairman.