The Only Acceptable Form of Free Speech Is Giving Me Money

“My warning, if you will, to corporate America is to stay out of politics,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell, who has long argued that corporate donations are protected political speech. When questioned, he added: “I’m not talking about political contributions.” — New York Times, 4/6/21

There are many ways people and corporations choose to express themselves and their views. However, only one of those ways is allowed. The only acceptable form of free speech is giving me money.

You might ask, “But isn’t free speech about speech? Isn’t that in the name?” And I’ll respond, “Stop talking to me. You’re only allowed to give me money. If you’re not giving me money, leave me alone and make more soda.”

And you might say, “I’m not Coca-Cola, I’m a person.” And I’ll respond, “If you’re not a corporation, then you’re not a person.”

And you might say, “Well, if you’re going to recognize corporations as people when they pay to elect politicians, then you can’t be upset when they use their platform to express dissent.” And I’ll respond, “I can’t hear you because I’ve stuffed my ears with money, the thing you’re supposed to be giving me.”

And you might say, “I actually don’t think corporations should have the same political contribution rights as individuals, because their financial strength far outweighs that of the average citizen. Besides, there’s a huge imbalance of power between executives and a company’s labor force.” And I’ll respond, “If you write that in the memo of a blank check made out to cash, I will pretend to read it, and that’s the most I can offer.”

And you might say, “You’re a truly awful person.” And I’ll respond, “No, I’m a truly awful corporation. On paper, I’m technically a business. It’s better for my taxes.”

And you might say, “Is that legal?” And I’ll respond, “Again, the only thing that is always allowed is money. Specifically, money that is headed toward me.”

And you’ll walk away because if you don’t, you feel you might do something rash.

But what you need to understand is that the First Amendment doesn’t give you the right to say whatever you want. It gives you the right to say what you want with your money, and only as long as that money is for my friends and me. It says so right here on this copy of the Constitution I photoshopped and got the Supreme Court to sign.