“Hey, my favorite team of all time is the 1972 Miami Dolphins, they were the only undefeated team in NFL history.”

This shows you aren’t some newbie who’s never watched a football game from start to finish before even though you’re a newbie who’s never watched a football game from start to finish before.

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“Hey, this team certainly isn’t the 1972 Miami Dolphins.”

Use this when one of the teams makes a bad play.

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“Hey, 1972 called — they want the 1972 Miami Dolphins back.”

This will work when one of the teams makes an even worse play. TIP: Base quality of play on level of groans from crowd.

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“Hey, you guys ever wonder what it would be like if the 1972 Miami Dolphins were actually dolphins?”

We’re not sure where you’re going with this one. Whatever you do, this is not an opportunity to show everyone a clip from Meerkat Manor again.

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“Hey, are these wings organic? More like orgasmic! They’re like the 1972 Miami Dolphins of chicken wings.”

The wings are delicious, but you might be trying a bit too hard here.

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“Hey, Bruce, jeez. A guy can’t love him some wings?… Yeesh.”

For what it’s worth, you should probably leave Bruce alone.

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“Hey, good question, Bruce. Hmm… let’s see. I guess my favorite 1972 Miami Dolphin would be YOUR WIFE.”

Put your hand down. No one wants to high five you.

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“Hey, Bruce, the 1972 Miami Dolphins called — they want your wife back.”

Get out of there — get out of there now.

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“Hey Bruce… man… I didn’t know… divorced?… I’m so sorry…”

It’s not like we didn’t warn you.

- - -

“Go Dolphins!”

Grab tupperware of remaining chicken wings and leave as fast as you can.