“Can you tell we hated it?” (while smiling at an empty plate)

“I only want a male lobster.” (after being told we don’t take gender requests)

“We remember you from last summer. Why are you still here?”

“You know what that means? It’s coming out of your tip!” (after being told we’re out of key lime pie)

“How on earth do you keep those palm trees alive during the winter?” (We don’t. They die.)

“Can you wrap this?” (while smiling at an empty plate with a half-inch of fish skin stuck to it)

“I don’t drink tap water. If your ice is made from tap water, I’d rather drink warm bottled water.”

“Can you recommend a non-fishy fish?”

“I have a gluten allergy. I know I’m eating bread, but my flare-ups are unpredictable.”

“I’ll have a margarita with as little ice as possible, not more lime juice though, just more alcohol.” (when they get the bill: “Why was I charged for a double?”)

“That cheap metal crumber reminds me of the antique crumbers I collect.”

“It was disgusting!” (while smiling at an empty plate)

“Can you wrap this?” (while not smiling and pointing at one crusty bite of a fried flounder sandwich)

“I’ll have a ginger ale. Extra strong.”

“We’ll split the bill 13 ways, not by person, by item. Also, can you split the price of the calamari seven and a half ways?”

“We’re settled then, right?” (after handing over a 5% tip and unlocking their 2019 BMW SUV)

“I’d like a Bloody Mary, extra spicy, but not too spicy with olives, but not so many olives that it overpowers the spicy, but not too spicy Bloody Mary.” (when they take a sip: “It’s too tomato-y.”)

“There’s a two-hour wait? I come here all the time and demand to speak to your manager!” (Manager: “There’s a two-hour wait.” Customer: “Not a problem. I’ll wait at the bar.”)

“After tasting six different wines and drinking 3/4 of a full glass: It was too earthy. Can you take it off the bill?”

“So, what are your career goals?”

“Tell the chef we didn’t like our food.” (while smiling at an empty plate)