As Americans, we all know that the first step to take in any crisis, before we even wash our hands, is to raid the local grocery store for perishable staples like milk, bread, and eggs. And whether you’re trying to feed a family of four, or you’re utterly alone, it’s critical to stockpile the crisis-recommended amount of eggs, which is all of them.
But once your fridge, pantry, countertops, dishwasher, and every other available surface in your home is covered in eggs, you might start to think “What am I going to do with all of these eggs?” and “This is way too many eggs and I don’t even like eggs why did I do this?” Fortunately, eggs have plenty of helpful and lifesaving uses to take advantage of during a widespread viral pandemic.
Host a virtual egg “happy hour”
Just because you’re sheltering at home with thousands of eggs doesn’t mean you can’t still maintain your fun after-work traditions. Invite your besties to a virtual happy hour using a group video chat service. Fill up a wine glass with eggs, pour an egg into a shot glass, or enjoy your eggs “on the rocks.” Raise your glass and cheers with your friends after a long day. Say you’re only going to have one or two eggs, but get wrapped up in the moment and end up drinking your entire supply. Throw up and pass out on your couch fully clothed like you do on any normal weekday.
Create an “egg office”
Name each of your eggs after the co-workers you haven’t seen in weeks. Delegate office tasks based on each egg’s individual capabilities. Try to cultivate a positive workplace environment by acknowledging egg birthdays and maintaining a flexible work-from-carton policy. Oversee your egg staff with a firm yet motivating managerial style. At the end of each workday, crush one egg to death in your bare fist to remind everyone in this new reality that you are king.
Eat the eggs
Seems obvious, but remember that during these trying times it’s best to ration, so some adjustments will need to be made to meet the established pandemic egg-eating guidelines. First, swallow each egg whole, shell included. Watch as the egg lump slowly travels from your throat down the entire length of your eerie, tube-shaped body. Coil up on a sunny rock or tree stump and live off of a single egg for days or even weeks. Hiss at encroaching predators. Shed your scaly skin bi-annually.
Try to bond with your eggs
After spending so much time quarantined together, and after drawing a sexy face on one of the eggs, fall desperately in love. Connect with your egg on a deep, emotional level. Realize that although you are very different, you are also very much the same. Share true love’s first kiss. At this point, your egg should transform into a handsome prince before your very eyes, or it will simply remain an egg. Either way, feel free to keep kissing it since there should be no one within 6 feet of you to pass judgment.
Make egg salad
That’s it. Just make a bunch of egg salad. It’s a protein-rich snack that’s perfect for any occasion, including pandemics.
Develop a grassroots political campaign
for your most likable egg
Work tirelessly to get your egg elected as our next president. Watch as this qualified new egg leader meets with a panel of experts, heeds the sound advice of health officials, and creates a swift yet effective plan that both limits the spread of the virus and also offers financial relief to people whose livelihoods were impacted the hardest. Celebrate how the act of hoarding eggs has once again saved the world from imminent disaster.
Don’t hoard eggs
Take only as many as you’ll eat, and/or deliver the surplus eggs to immuno-compromised or elderly neighbors in need. Jk, lol. This is America. Move back to Russia, you socialist.