Dear valued faculty,

In light of the recent budget cuts, the university administration thought it would be helpful to clarify a few things about our institution and our mission. We are not a “school.” We are a hospital system with a football team. We collect grants from the federal government, payouts from insurance companies, and licensing revenue from television networks. That is our raison d’être.

At our core, we are devoted to learning. Specifically, we want to learn how to extract as much value as possible from everyone and everything we interact with.

Yes, we have an untaxed, multibillion-dollar endowment. But that doesn’t mean we can burn money on frivolities like a classics department. That involves hiring professors and maintaining a library, which, as you well know, does not help our hospital or our football team.

The fine arts are lovely, but do they receive NIH grants? Have you ever seen a cellist on ESPN?

You might think that our vast real estate holdings, on which we pay no property tax, would allow us to expand our language departments. How could you be so foolish? That land can be used for so many important initiatives, like a third football practice facility or a new breakroom for assistant vice deans.

Universities are about community. If we grow large enough, if our star shines bright enough, we will be the only hospital serving this community. That’s how we can give back: through an absolute, unquestioned monopoly.

We like to think of our patients the same way we think of our students. If they can’t pay, they’re worthless.

Now, you might be wondering, what about skyrocketing tuition? Where does that money go?

Once again, we are not a “school,” and our pricing model reflects that. Just like in a hospital, our prices are arbitrary and astronomical. Fifty dollars for an aspirin, fifty thousand dollars for room and board—that’s the beauty of the system. That’s what being a nonprofit is all about.

We hope these clarifications provide peace of mind and spur rich philosophical reflection. As a reminder, all such reflection should take place outside of the Philosophy Department, as that building is being demolished to make room for a new football media center.

Yours sincerely,
The University Hospital Administration