Seventy-thousand people are witnessing live the first 3-D printing of a real creature from a forest into our newsroom. The forest team has successfully lured the chipmunk into the chamber and we’re moments away from hacking Mother Nature and blowing up the Internet. Looks like it’s finishing now.
Unfortunately, it appears our synthetic chipmunk is a stillborn. You can see our colleagues trying to resuscitate it, which is mostly them playing catch with the carcass. For our ninety-two thousand viewers, we’ve got a staff of sixty camped out in the woods, so we’ll keep at it all week until one of these cuties comes through alive or we run out of wildlife. The main thing you have to — wait a minute! A leg moved! It’s running around the newsroom, folks! How about that? Amazing moment in live viewing history. We’ve named it Silky.
Viewers may have noticed that Silky is putty-colored, and faceless. Our tech team is looking into why the face was rendered improperly. The brownish hue is because our printing material is a silicon resin, which is why Silky looks like a chipmunk-sized slab of Silly Putty.
Big news! For our three-hundred thousand viewers, we’re being told a baby deer has wandered into the printing chamber. Our forest team is printing it now.
While we wait, we’re getting questions how any of this is possible. We have no idea. We’re journalists covering the syndicated debt markets and just thought this would be fun to live stream. We think we may have tapped into some teleportation wormhole in the millennial-cleverness continuum, and now we’ve overloaded the internet with cleverness, allowing us to 3-D print live creatures. Are we defying molecular laws of the universe with which no untrained group should tamper? Our legal department doesn’t think so. And neither do the four-hundred and eighty thousand viewers who took time out of their busy workdays to watch this live.
It appears the printer ran out of silicon resin, so we only achieved the front half of the Silly Putty deer. It’s still adorable. Halfsy is tugging itself around the newsroom by its forepaws and playing with the staff. On a positive note, it has a face — good job, tech team.
Wow, this is something. To our eight-hundred thousand viewers, we’re getting word a grizzly bear was spotted grazing near the printing chamber. Apparently one of our forest colleagues is severely injured, but the team managed to corral the bear inside the chamber and it’s coming through now. We’re seeing the muzzle and the front claws. Is that a — yes, folks, we’re confirming that is, in fact, a human arm in the bear’s mouth. The cool thing about 3-D printing is that if we can wrestle the Silly Putty arm out of the bear’s jowls, we can probably reattach it later.
That’s a big bear. And it seems agitated. Viewers, we’re being told by legal we need to shut this down immediately. Forest team, stop printing. Forest team?
The forest team says the grizzly does not want to be 3-D printed and is in a rage. No one can get near the apparatus. The Silly Putty bear is nearly complete and — oh, fuck, this isn’t what we originally conceived with the chipmunk concept. That bear is about to go Revenant on us.
It’s in the newsroom chasing Halfsy! No, Halfsy! The putty bear is clawing reporters. Geezus hell, someone stepped on Silky. Forest team — print some bows and arrows! Everyone, to the conference room! To our millions of viewers, we are under attack. Stop sharing this and leaving witty comments. Can someone use one of the millions of cell phones you collectively own to send help?
Bows and arrows coming through now. We’ve got one chance at this, news team. Viewers, join us next week for more coverage of the syndicated debt markets, and hopefully a Silly Putty bear skin rug.