At long last, we here at the GOP have finally achieved our goals of forcing women to give birth and allowing more people to have guns. This master plan perfectly combines our two passions: our steadfast belief that women shouldn’t have control over their own bodies, and our disturbing fetish for firearms.

There have been hundreds of mass shootings this year alone, and in 2020, more than 45,000 Americans were killed by guns. Some people look at those numbers and think, “What the hell, America? Do you even care about human life?” And we Republicans proudly answer, “No. We just pretend to be pro-life by stripping women of their reproductive rights.”

Forcing women to give birth also helps us solve the age-old question, “What is a woman?” Well, it couldn’t be more clear now: a woman is a walking womb that belongs to the government so that she can make babies who will eventually be killed by guns.

Working tirelessly to enable people to buy guns while forcing women to give birth hasn’t been easy. This took a lot of effort on our part. It seems crazy to imagine actual human beings who’ve dedicated their lives to these causes, but here we are. In fact, we’ve been laying the groundwork leading up to this moment for years, pouring dark money into elections and grooming far-right judges who are pro-gun and anti-choice. And what a brilliant return on investment we’re seeing — just imagine what might happen with all those babies and guns.

Thanks to our already horrific firearm laws, guns are now the leading cause of death for American children. You’d think we would be satisfied by the number of children killed every year — a statistic that is unique to the United States and its gun culture — but you’d be wrong.

Remember Uvalde? It’s easy to forget since there are so many mass shootings—you know who to thank for that—and one sort of blends into the next. To refresh your memory, Uvalde was the one that proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that our favorite saying, “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun, is a good guy with a gun” was always a bald-faced lie, because armed police did nothing to stop the shooter while children and teachers were murdered. So now we have a new saying: “Force women to give birth so that more babies can be killed by guns.” It’s catchy, and this time it’s a lot more honest.

What makes this moment even more remarkable is that the women who will suffer the most by abortion bans are the most marginalized in our society—so the same people whose voting rights we’re taking away, whose social safety nets we oppose, and whose history we’re trying to ban. It’s a win-win situation, but just for us. Everyone else loses, and lots of them will also be killed.

God bless America for forcing women to have babies who can get killed by our glorious guns!