1. Tim accidentally automatically friended you when he signed up for Goodreads three years after you broke up, then realized his mistake and undid it. This inspired you to spend two hours reading Tim’s Facebook wall from 2012, looking for signs he might have been thinking about breaking up with you in the year leading up to The Event. You did this on your phone, and hit the “load more” button until all that came up was a profile picture update from 2008 and the life event “joined Facebook.”
Result: Tim got a free cookie with his Jimmy John’s.
2. You realized you have two Facebook friends in common with Tim’s most recent ex and that one of those friends is still Facebook friends with your ex before Tim, who she explicitly said she unfriended back when you guys broke up. You are conflicted about whether or not you should unfriend her right now, the lying bitch.
Result: Tim got an extension on that proposal that’s been stressing him.
Result: Tim found a twenty in his jeans.
4. You blew off a text from the cute-ish guy at work because there’s a girl who’s been favoriting a whole hell of a lot of Tim’s tweets lately and it looks like she works for Panera or some shit. Is that what he’s into now? People with part-time jobs when he was always giving you crap for thinking about taking a year off real work to intern somewhere cool?!? Freaking Tim!!!
Result: Tim got hit on by someone who does CrossFit.
5. You fell asleep while checking out the Instagram page of the girl who’s been favoriting Tim’s tweets and accidentally “liked” a picture she posted of her med school textbooks on a table at Starbucks that she captioned “hittin’ da klerb.”
Result: Tim got a good night’s sleep.
6. You got sidetracked from looking up Tim stuff by reading a Buzzfeed article about ramen that linked you to a local news affiliate’s take on the paleo diet. You clicked another link to try and calculate your BMI but the link was bad and your Twitter got hacked. You changed your password, but caught a headline about a ’70s-era serial killer’s yarn craft hobby, and went down a factoid rabbit hole on MurderPedia until you realized it was 5 AM, you hadn’t slept, and your Twitter had been hacked again.
Result: Tim’s student loans were forgiven. Freaking Tim.