Dear Students,

As we all deal with the greatest challenge our community has ever faced, this university administration is pleased to announce yet another step to help you during these unprecedented times. Starting this semester, we’ll be unveiling an expanded number of remote payment options so that you can pay your entire, unreduced tuition bill — and not a cent less — from the comfort of your own home.

We’ve developed a quicker and more secure online payment processing system. For a small 3% convenience charge, you can quickly resolve your account balances while maintaining peace of mind during the pandemic. In addition, this innovative payment portal will automatically factor in this year’s 10% tuition hike, our new “distance-learning fee,” and “virtual room and board” expenses. We’ve created these easy-to-use features with you in mind, to give you confidence that you’re paying these ever-increasing education costs in full, on time, and before buyer’s remorse sets in.

Beyond that, we’ve added several other convenient payment methods for the upcoming academic year. For those who’ve chosen to monetize themselves during the pandemic, we’re now accepting direct money transfers from OnlyFans, iFCams, and Chaturbate accounts. Alternatively, through our new “contactless money drop” method, any student can now deposit bags of cash outside the dean’s office, labeled with their name and university ID number. We’ve also expanded our list of approved semi-predatory lending agencies, to give you even more options when it comes to financing your education now, in return for soul-crushing debt payments for years to come.

Moreover, if none of these new contactless options work for you, we still offer our traditional payment collection method: we’ll send large, leather-jacketed men to the address listed on your student record to help you locate the money you owe us. Rest assured knowing that these collections agents will be outfitted with masks and extra-long tire irons to comply with the latest social distancing guidelines.

All that being said, we do regret to announce that, to ensure the safety of our staff, we will no longer be accepting payment in the form of arms, legs, first-born children, or any other possible disease vectors.

We understand that the events of 2020 have placed a great deal of stress on many within our community — stress that our underfunded psychological counseling resources are woefully ill-prepared to help you handle. Therefore, we hope that these changes provide you some measure of relief by making it easier to pay for your college education. Logistically, that is — not financially.

We recognize that the coming year will be rife with challenges. As we collectively adjust to online operations, it might seem difficult at times to maintain the same sense of school spirit, run our courses as we once did, or justify our exorbitant tuition rates. However, thanks to your perseverance, your diligence, and your naïve willingness to continue giving us money, we’re confident that we can overcome these momentary obstacles and emerge from this crisis as a stronger, richer community.

Vice President of Financial Aid