1. Support Your Preferred Candidate!

In this election cycle, there’s not one but multiple women running for President, so select your favorite from amongst this amazing pool of intelligent and talented women. Rally around your pick, and support them with all your heart and soul so that the lines between their candidacy and your sense of self blur into an indistinguishable morass of self-defeating partisanship. When the general election rolls around, vow to write their name on the ballot regardless of who the nominee is.

2. Let People Know About Your Candidate On Social Media

Got enthusiasm? Share it! Post the platform of your candidate, promote her words, videos, and ideas and express why she has restored your hope in the future. Once you’ve done that, spend at least a third of your waking hours arguing with lurking Trumpers and Bernie Bros about how your candidate is not objectionable/a sellout/Satan. If you’re not getting sucked into at least three different draining threads a day, you’re not doing it right.

3. Fight Your Progressive Friends

It was fun mobilizing with like-minded people ahead of the 2018 midterms, and wasn’t it worth it? Now, in homage to the heroic effort that put the gavel in Nancy Pelosi’s hand, forget all the issues that ever mattered to you and start blocking liberals like they were Jacob Wohl at a hipster café if they dare to say one word in support of another candidate. Remember: Nothing says “Elect The First Woman President” like bickering Democrats already hating on their own candidates a full year before the Iowa Caucus.

4. Argue About The Israel Palestine / Conflict

Chances are high that we’ll totally resolve it, so it’s a win-win!

5. Pick Apart Everything the Woman Candidate Has Ever Done

Did a woman candidate not handle a situation from her past in the exact right way? Perhaps she had a job that makes her responsible for all the inequalities of the criminal justice system. Maybe she treated sexual misconduct allegations in a way you find more unacceptable than the sexual misconduct allegations. Is she a mean boss? It’s essential that policy platforms and voting records be cast aside while every moment of the woman candidate’s life is critiqued, relitigated and demolished.

6. Magnify the Accounts of Russian Trolls

It’s outrageous what some people are saying about your candidate, and it’s high time that people like Pablo0667543 and Jelly02043235 get their comeuppance when you retweet them with a scathing response that will put them in their place, even if they are an “army mom” and a “nurse who loves sports,” and even if their place is St. Petersburg. Make sure to include whatever hashtag they’re pushing!

7. Wish They Would Do Something a Little Differently

Is your woman candidate wearing her hair wrong? Listening to music you don’t believe she really likes? Eating fried chicken incorrectly? Not focused on the exact issue that’s on your mind today? Posing in a photograph with a person you don’t care for? Nitpicking will probably resolve all those issues and will have the added bonus effect of turning off voters looking for any excuse not to support a woman candidate.

8. Wish Another Woman Candidate Was Running

Sure, government transparency and Medicare for all would be great, and yes, the United States is a regressive backwater with no Family Leave policy, and ok, Roe v Wade is in danger and there are more guns than people in America, but wouldn’t it be wonderful if another woman candidate of your choosing had thrown her hat into the ring? It’s never too early to undermine women candidates by comparing them unfavorably to non-candidates and, in fact… What? It is? Oh.

Sorry, everyone: turns out this is the “8 Tips for Never Electing the First Woman President” listicle. LOL. Boy, do I have egg on my face. How could anyone get these two lists confused? My Bad! Yay, women candidates!