NOTE: A Memorandum of a Telephone Conversation (TELCOM) is not a verbatim transcript of a discussion. The text in this document records the various blasphemous speech and infernal translation attempts made by Blood Priests present in the Situation Room during the duration of the call. Unintelligible or particularly sanity-shattering vocalizations are noted in brackets.
NYARLATHOTEP: [GURGLING BLOOD VOMIT-LAUGHTER]
MINOR SHOGGOTH: Congratulations to you, too, sir. This season’s Soul Harvest was particularly heinous and effective for us, as well. We learned from the best, if we’re being honest over here. Thanks to your continuous night-reign of absolute horror, it has been that much easier on our end to instigate the Doomed Era in our neck of the woods.
NYARLATHOTEP: [THE SOUND OF ONE MILLION BLINKING EYES]
MINOR SHOGGOTH: (laughter) Yes, yes. That, too. I should hope we converse both over the phone and through nightmare visions more often. It could only help us both in ensuring our legions are as endless and all-encompassing as we promised during our respective campaign seasons.
NYARLATHOTEP: [UNINTELLIGIBLE COMBINATION OF LOCUST WINGS AND TV STATIC]
MINOR SHOGGOTH: Oh, of course, my Dread Lord. What is it you had in your nether-mind? I know Hastur has been a thorn in your side for some time. It does look like the King in Yellow presents a possible challenge to your excrement throne in the coming Season of Woe.
NYARLATHOTEP: [HACKING COUGH LACED WITH RACIAL EPITHETS]
MINOR SHOGGOTH: I see. Yes, I was made aware of his seed-son’s dealings in my realm not too long ago. Unfortunately, I’m not sure if there is anything to really look into over here. It seems as if the Prince of Carcosa did everything by the Book of Tidal Dispair.
NYARLATHOTEP: [WIND HOWLING ACROSS RAT BONES]
MINOR SHOGGOTH: Well, sure, I can get in touch with your Director of the Cult of Blood Orgies about it. I don’t think that would be a problem at all. As you probably already know, what with your ability to see through all time-planes, we’ve had to deal with similar challenges from various Elder and Outer Gods on multiple occasions. I think you’ll find my team of Death Litigants are quite up to the task of uncovering any potential reverse-spells or anti-incantations that might banish Hastur from “this world of corrupted flesh,” as you so eloquently called it the other day.
NYARLATHOTEP: [A SINGLE BABE WEEPING]
MINOR SHOGGOTH: (laughter) Of course we watched your speech at the U.N. We all loved it over here! The way you wormed your way into the other delegates’ heads — literally, with those wonderful mucus tentacles — simply a speech for the darkened ages! But, just to be clear, if we aid you in returning Hastur to the infernal shores of Hali, you will take care of that other thing we talked about recently?
MINOR SHOGGOTH: No, no, of course I’m not insinuating you forgot. I know that is impossible for you, as you now are in control of all memory since the midterms. But still, we could really use those soul-funds originally promised to us for the various domestic projects we aim to tackle over the next few Killing Cycles. We may be a principality in the Dread Lord’s Dominion, Now and Forever, but these potholes aren’t going to fill themselves.
NYARLATHOTEP: [BIRD WINGS BRUSHING AGAINST THE SURFACE OF A BILE OCEAN]
MINOR SHOGGOTH: Thank you, Dread Lord. It’s been an honor enduring you, too. I’ll be sure to get in touch with that Blood Orgies Director as well as — who else was it again?
NYARLATHOTEP: [MORE MAGGOTS]
MINOR SHOGGOTH: Rudy Giuliani, right, got it.