Dear Valued Customer,

We just wanted to give you an update on the groceries you ordered from our fly-by-night business with the naïve expectation that they would one day arrive.

First, we need to let you know that a few of the items you ordered are out of stock in our warehouse — but don’t worry, we’ve replaced them with appropriate substitutes:

  • Instead of three cans of corn, you’ll be receiving one can of boneless seal meat.
  • Instead of eight assorted flavor yogurts, you’ll be receiving an old pair of boots.
  • Instead of one loaf of whole wheat bread, sliced, you’ll be receiving a discount pass to Bart’s Water Park and Mini-Golf.
  • Instead of two pounds of ground chuck, you’ll be receiving three cans of corn.

Second, we regret to inform you that due to a shortage of drivers, trucks, bags, maps, ice, clocks, and mouse traps, rather than delivering your food to your home on Sunday between 12 pm and 2 pm, we will instead be dropping it off in an open field 13 miles away, loose, warm, and partially eaten by rodents, sometime between the sun rising on Friday and the time on Tuesday when the shadows are longest.

Third, we know you’re relying on us to feed your family during this challenging time, and we want you to know we’re relying on you as well, so we’ve charged you double what you expected, and we’ll also need you to assist with the home birth our office manager, Kelly, is planning a week from Thursday. Details and supplies will be included with your order, or sent via FedEx, which, as it turns out, would have also delivered your groceries if we had thought of that before loading them onto the truck to nowhere.

Fourth, just so you’re aware, we are no longer responding to emails or phone calls, especially while we’re enjoying the eight assorted flavor yogurts we decided not to give you. (They’re expired anyway, so don’t get too angry.)

Fifth, we’ve actually run out of old pairs of boots while writing this email, so we’ll be replacing those with a compromising photo of your grandmother.

Sixth, did you really think you had gotten lucky enough to find an open delivery slot while everyone else you know is threatening legal action against us on every form of social media, claiming we’re a front for some kind of money laundering enterprise and don’t even have any groceries to send you? (We’re not crooks, we promise, just woefully understaffed and just as desperate as you are to make life keep on going during a pandemic. Well, maybe not quite as desperate, since we do have $151.76 of your money.)

Seventh, just to pre-emptively address your future complaints, yes, those are fingernail clippings in the house-made macaroni salad, and, sure, it’s probably the shrimp po’boy that’s causing you next Wednesday’s diarrhea. We’ll go ahead and issue credits for those now and assume that you understand that “issue credits” is code for doing nothing and hoping you won’t remember any of this by the time your credit card statement arrives.

Eighth, we’re still waiting for those groceries you promised us, so why should we deliver the ones we promised you? Mind games, man. It’s all mind games.

We thank you for your business and hope to serve you again soon.

The Food’s Never Coming,
Your Friends at ShopMart