Hello, my good people. I would first like to thank you all for gathering here at the town well to hear me, your mayor, speak today. By now you have realized that I’m stuck in this well.

Right off the bat, I would like to clarify that I have not called you all here to help me. As a leader, I’m expected to find solutions to difficult problems, and to think strategically in times of trouble, and that is why I’m going to find a way out of this well. I’ll touch on this more later, but for now, there’s several things I’d like to address.

First and foremost, I’d like to respond to the allegations by the local media that I’m a “liar.” Yes, it is true that over the course of the two weeks that I’ve been trapped in the big well, the press has been told by my team that I’ve been on “vacation,” and since the press’ discovery that I’ve been stuck down here in the town well, the headlines have been particularly harsh. The newspapers have accused me of being “embarrassed” to admit that I fell in the well. My friends, this could not be further from the truth. When I became your mayor, I prepared myself for some hardships and some challenges, as any mayor does. I am certainly not “embarrassed” when I have to face them. I’m not “embarrassed” when I’m faced with difficult budgetary decisions that affect the entire town; I’m not “embarrassed” that I have to make certain decisions regarding law enforcement in order to keep our town safe; I’m not embarrassed that I fell into a big well and got stuck in there.

I understand there are a lot of you out there who look down on me in light of my falling into the town well. Once again, the press has been extremely critical, urging the townspeople to ask themselves: how effective can a man who fell into a well and got stuck be as a leader, when no one else in the history of the town has ever fallen into the well, not even children? To those of you who have this concern, I’d like to say several things: I have been a strong and effective leader since being elected. Violent crime has dropped, development is coming along nicely, and I think we’re doing great things for the youth. So, those are some statistics for you to think about, instead of thinking about how I fell into this well.

Can you all hear me up there above-ground? It’s hard to tell from down here, in the town well. Please make some noise if you can hear me.

Thank you.

Now, several of you have insisted that I explain exactly how I made the mistake of falling and getting stuck in a well. Once again, the word “embarrassed” is being thrown around quite liberally. I’d like to address these matters now: I promise that, once I’m out of the well, I’m going to have it closed shut, so that this doesn’t happen again. Not to myself, and not to anyone else. So, I believe that should put this matter to bed.

Inexplicably, a vast majority of you have called for my resignation. I have read the petition, which says many things about how you’re “scared” to be living in a town run by a mayor who is so prone to falling in wells. I of course have many thoughts on this. The first thing I’d like to say is that there is absolutely nothing to fear. Please reconsider those statistics I cited previously. Those statistics don’t cease to exist just because I fell in a well. If anyone should be scared, it’s myself— I am the one stuck in a well. My resignation would do nothing of benefit for the town. Anyone who follows what I am doing in office knows that I am currently in the middle of some big initiatives that show a lot of promise, and for me to abandon them and hand them off to someone else who has not been working so close to them from the start would be dangerous. These are projects that I need to see through. I just need time. That is the real matter here: time. I urge you to be patient. Just give me time to get out of this well and get back to work on my projects.

As I’ve said, I do not intend to call upon the help of the town in getting out of the well. I have spoken publicly about my distaste for the gratuitous misuse of resources, and it would of course be foolish for me to expect the good people of our fire department to waste their precious time rescuing me from the well, when of course I’m able to rescue myself. While I have gotten some very good work down down here in the well in the two weeks I’ve been stuck, it is time for me to return to above-ground, where I can work alongside my team more closely and effectively in order to run this city to its full potential.

In the coming weeks, I will be working tirelessly around the clock in order to figure out how exactly I’m going to get out of the well. I intend to have a concrete plan before the end of the month, and I will of course be sharing it with the town as soon as it’s ready to be unveiled. I have always been a perfectly candid leader, and I don’t intend to elude anyone here. I think I proved that tonight.

I know that this has been a hard time for the town, and it has for me as well. I intend to use this experience as a demonstration— to demonstrate to all of you what I am capable of. And I’ll tell you one last thing: I know that whatever I’m capable of, you’re all capable, because after all, I’m just like any one of you. I’m going to find a way out of this well, and I hope we’ll all see this incident as a testament to the strength of our town. I can get out of an open wall after accidentally falling into it, and so can you, and so can your children and your children’s children.

Thank you all very much, and good evening.