Thank you for agreeing to this meeting that you invited me to, Saint Peter. Please, have a seat. Now, you face an important choice before you. A crucial choice. You could admit me to Heaven, where I belong, or you could cast me into darkness where for all of eternity I will have to clean Satan’s wings — foul reminders of his angelic past — with flaming crude oil.
What you must understand is that this decision doesn’t just affect me. It affects you and, in fact, the Holy Father and His entire domain of Heaven and Earth. Because if you don’t admit me to Heaven, I will finance a decades-long misinformation campaign that will leave you thinking, “Does the Heavenly Father even exist? And even if He does, so what?”
I’ve got think tanks I fund who will testify that God Almighty was invented by the extreme left-wing in order to advance a radical agenda where people actually care about each other. I’ve trained an army of pagan lobbyists who will ask members of Congress in private meetings, “If God truly existed, wouldn’t there be no murders and in fact no suffering at all? If God truly existed, then why am I able to do what I’m doing right now, which is defecating on your rug?”
Through a series of shadowy organizations, I will fund pastors, reverends, and priests who will tell their congregations, “There have been periods in human civilizations where God has existed, and periods where God hasn’t existed. Right now we’re in a period where the Divine Father is absent. Remember: there used to be only one continent called Pangea. Things go in cycles.”
Did you know the following facts?
- God was invented in 1867 by Karl Marx.
- God wants to throw all the nation’s cows into the Rio Grande.
- The amount of God has gone down, not up, in the past decade, especially in Antarctica.
- If God ever did come into being on Earth, we could always put some mirrors in space so that God ricochets off the mirrors and goes to Venus.
No? Well, everyone on Earth will know these facts intimately by the time my game is played out.
Some people — “Christians,” they call themselves — may try to point out all the ways that they’ve experienced God first-hand. These religious activists may even go so far as to protest the godless religious acts that I’ll fund. You think that you’ve won because of this? No, I’ll use my immense wealth to push legislation making it illegal to demonstrate outside godless institutions. I’ll encourage police to use extreme force on protesters. Native American land will be abused and co-opted by my godless movements, and state representatives will cheer my efforts.
Then I’ll start on the courts. I’ll support politicians who agree to nominate judges who will not only deny that God exists, they’ll make it illegal for state governments to do anything vaguely Christian whatsoever, whether that’s helping the poor or caring for the sick. Within two years there will be David H. Koch totems in front of every statehouse in the country.
My godlessness will be on college campuses, too. I’ll recruit students who worship money and I’ll give them all the resources they could ever want to make the biggest, most godless impact they can on society.
I’ll be funding so many Satanic organizations, shadow organizations, lobbying firms, legislation-writing entities, and super PACs that are working to bring about a godless present that you won’t know where my influence begins and individual corrupt behavior ends. Turn on the TV. Is this political advertisement where a Republican is dumping pig’s blood on his head and saying, “God is dead!” his own idea, or did I have something to do with it?
And this is where we arrive at my ultimate aim: not simply to question the existence of God, but indeed to slowly disintegrate trust in institutions and in humanity generally speaking.
But I’ll be folksy about all this. Ultimately, I think we should let the market decide whether or not God exists—after I pay politicians to write laws making it harder for people who believe in God to act powerfully.
What will people worship in the absence of God? Money, certainly; themselves, of course; God’s creation, which is steadily being destroyed, probably not. In the end, I hope that people don’t worship anything, and instead go through their lives without any connection to themselves, each other, and the world they live in, and instead are merely instruments that consume. That would be ideal from a capitalist perspective.
When you make your decision, it’s also important to remember that I’m a good guy. After all, I spent my life avoiding paying taxes and donated nearly 3% of my obscene wealth to the public.