Good day. I survived the civil suits (so far) and just received a check from a Super PAC’s Super PAC’s Super PAC’s Super PAC. And now I’ve been engaged to be Trump’s criminal lawyer’s criminal lawyer’s criminal lawyer’s criminal lawyer. I think that’s it. I might be his criminal lawyer’s criminal lawyer’s criminal lawyer. I might be his criminal lawyer’s criminal lawyer. I might be his criminal lawyer. I might be a criminal. I might just go home and listen to Fiona Apple’s “Criminal” on repeat while I scrutinize my life choices.
Anyway, I fancy myself a bright guy. I included my class rank in my wedding vows. I’ve read most of the Constitution. I really try to be a good guy. Whenever my law partners’ kids get arrested for petty larceny or grand theft auto or marijuana possession, I represent them. I generally consider criminal defense work important. Founding Father John Adams defended British soldiers accused of massacring following the Boston massacre. I have a reverence for the Constitution and Atticus Finch and the family of Law & Order television shows. But this? Conspiring to defraud the United States? Conspiracy to obstruct an official proceeding? Has anyone read this indictment? Should I? Whose job is it? If anyone wants to read the latest indictment, the big one, it’s right here.
When my partners’ kids get arrested, I just call Cliff or Vicki at the DA’s office, tell them I’m cashing in a favor, and get the connected offender probation before judgment (a “PBJ”) with relative ease and alacrity. So when I got a call from Trump’s criminal lawyer’s criminal lawyer’s criminal lawyer asking me to be his criminal lawyer, I said, “You got it!” But this world is void of such niceties. There is a dearth of Cliffs and Vickis. Where is my Cliff and Vicki? Where is my Roy Cohn?
And speaking of PBJ, to whom do I bill my lunches? I guess I’ll send my bills to my client’s Super PAC, who is also the Super PAC’s lawyer for my client’s Super PAC’s lawyer’s Super PAC’s client’s lawyer’s Super PAC’s client. I think.
Again, nothing in law school prepared me for this.
Let me remind everyone that you are innocent until proven guilty in this country. I think. I’m not sure how it works if your client’s lawyer’s client’s lawyer’s client’s lawyer’s client is guilty. (He is.) Or if everyone saw the whole thing happen in real-time on January 6, 2021. Like, is that like trickle-down economics? But with felonies instead of tax breaks? Like trickle-down felonotics? Tricky-clown corruptonics? Trickle-down politi-comics?
What court do I even go in? There have been indictments in so many places. So. Many. Indictments. Do we all have to show up together? Does an indictment of my client’s lawyer’s client’s lawyer’s client’s lawyer’s client flow down to me? I pride myself on representing people of all backgrounds facing the panoply of legal problems that can befall a person.
And if evidence is tainted by a coerced confession or tainted by an illegal search and seizure, does that same evidence in a different context also get the taint? If there’s a taint in Florida, does the taint follow the evidence to DC or New York? What survives the taint? Can Donald see his taint? Will Donald’s taint be introduced as evidence?
All right. I need to calm down. I can do this. I know white-collar criminal defense. I know blue-collar criminal defense. But stained-collar criminal defense? I’m not equipped to defend these collars sullied with hair dye and orange face paste. Why couldn’t they just get DUIs and call it a day? Also, I can’t do this. I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to delve into a “reckoning for democracy.” Can’t I just write contracts? Or use generative AI to write contracts for me?
I have no clue what to do. And there are no law books to guide me. This apparently has never happened before, and the Constitution never anticipated seventy million people could be this fucking stupid. Or that muskets would morph into AR-15s. How do you even be a criminal lawyer’s criminal lawyer’s criminal lawyer’s criminal lawyer? Can I call my client’s client’s client? Can I indict my client’s client’s client Super PAC? What about my client’s lawyer’s client’s lawyer? Or my client’s lawyer’s lawyer? Should I get a lawyer? Am I a client? Do I have a Super PAC? What’s the name of it? What if the retainer I have to give my lawyer is bigger than the retainer I got from my client’s Super PAC?
Screw this. He’s guilty. They all are. I’m going to dental school. Please send reelection/defense/tuition money to my Super PAC.