When you look at the facts on the ground — 25% of Americans experiencing homelessness are millennials, a proportion that is on the rise; 5.3 million households living in poverty are headed by a millennial, a greater number than any other generation; the average net worth of a millennial is $8,000, a number that has dropped 34% for that age group since 1996; the average millennial makes $35,592 per year, which is 20% lower than the average salary for a baby boomer at the same age, despite the fact that housing and health care are now radically more expensive; while younger millennials account for only 3 percent of all deaths in the US, they account for 21 percent of those killed by guns — you naturally come to the following conclusion: millennials are way too coddled.
Whether they’re suffering mental health difficulties after serving a tour in Iraq or Afghanistan, whether they’re suffering mental health difficulties due to the stress of a graduate school education that used to be a ticket to a stable career, or whether they’re suffering anxiety due to the imminent collapse of the world’s at-risk ecosystems, millennials need to wake up and take responsibility for problems that other generations are responsible for.
Millennials who are experiencing financial stress need to do what Wall Street did and pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, after receiving hundreds of billions of dollars.
Have you heard about these Safe Spaces on college campuses? Of course. Everybody has. Apparently, due to campus shootings, police shootings, movie theater shootings, nightclub shootings, church shootings, the prevalence of sexual assault, and the steady rise of hate crimes and right-wing terrorism that Trump would rather excuse than condemn, some students feel unsafe sometimes. As a middle-aged white man for whom the entirety of the United States of America has traditionally been a safe space, I want to say these safe spaces are unnecessary.
Don’t even get me started on trigger warnings, which enable people who have experienced trauma to approach sensitive topics with deliberateness and confidence, in their own time. Who needs them, besides people I would rather ignore than try to understand?
I am going to spend the rest of the election season confused why many millennials are supporting Elizabeth Warren. I will fail to understand that, for them, Warren is the rational and disciplined version of what they want, since what millennials actually want is someone who will push the people causing all the bullshit out to sea.
Of course, that’s not quite correct. What millennial voters want is economic, social, and racial justice, for they do not understand that cruelty as a guiding principle will take them much further. Do what I do: Fill yourself with rage at those who have caused you no harm, and what springs forth is hate and a very American sort of violent innocence. Use your neighborly decency as a mask to cover up the fact that you take pleasure in others’ thwarted dreams, since relishing the suffering of others is easier than confronting your own pain and investigating who caused it. There’s a simple equation: people unlike me have earned their suffering; people similar to me have not earned their suffering. This vision of willful inequality is causing my soul to rot, though I am gleeful in the degradation of my own humanity.
We are at a point in US history where the official immigration policy of the administration is one of separation and internment, causing psychological torment, disease, and death. Because of this, I would like to say a few things about how millennials are screwing up gender pronouns.
First of all, “they” is not singular; and second of all, “I” am complicit in condemning millennials to decades of struggle that I didn’t have to go through, all the while thinking that I am teaching them a lesson in responsibility when really the lesson is about callous indifference. Am “I” also complicit in the inhumane treatment of asylum seekers by supporting an administration whose entire reason for existing is xenophobia predicated on fear, resentment, and hostility toward the foundations of democracy? Well, I have a college degree, so that can’t be the case.
You could throw a faux fur coat into the crowd at a Macklemore concert and hit someone who worked two jobs in college and yet still graduated $35,000 in debt, but one thing to know about millennials is that they are very entitled, so incredibly entitled they believe they should be rewarded for jumping through all the hoops that I told them they should jump through. Listening to me was a terrible mistake.
So listen up: I know some funny jokes about cellphones; the punch line to all of them is “Millennials are dumb.”
The government of the United States of America is guilty of human rights abuses on our Southern border. People are getting sick. People are dying. This could be as bad as Abu Ghraib. Do not look away.