Entrepreneur: I am a 24-year-old entitled and delusional white male.

CEO: I send emails to everyone around the clock thinking this will make them more productive.

Vice President: My role sounds impressive, but it’s just title inflation.

Director: No one knows what I do all day.

Strategist: I got an MBA so I can talk all day.

Manager: I go to meetings all day.

Engineer: I make shitty products.

Social Media Manager: I write clickbait that makes shitty products go viral, which despite being covered by every major media outlet will be forgotten about in three days.

Corporate Security: We watch 24-year-olds badge-in all day.

Generalist: I don’t actually know how to do anything.

Specialist: My job is obsolete after the next re-org.

Facilities Management: We cook a lot of food.

Human Resources: We host a lot of parties.

Branding Division: We create a lot of swag.

Interns: We eat a lot of food, go to a lot of parties, and get a lot of swag.

Diversity & Inclusion: We are a PR move to make people think we are doing something about the diversity problem.

Corporate Wellness: We help overworked, stressed-out people feel better so they can keep working and stressing out.

Corporate Good: We divert attention from all the corporate bad.

User Research: We figured out a way to finally get paid for our Ph.Ds.

Chief Technology Officer: I do a lot of PR interviews about AI and machine learning.

Data Scientist: I make shit up.

Chief Marketing Officer: I try to get covered in AdWeek.

Marketer: Someday I’ll quit my marketing job and become a yoga instructor.

Growth Hacker: We spend most of our time writing LinkedIn articles that make fun of marketers.

Designer: I put logos on corporate stock images.

Product Manager: I don’t know, it just seemed like the next logical career step after being an engineer.

Project Manager: I am always about to lose my shit.

Communications: We gossip a lot about executives.

Public Relations: When employees sexually harass women, we try to make it sound like we’ll do something about it in the media (we won’t).

Legal: We stop innovation from happening.

Investor Relations: We stop innovation from happening.

Stakeholders: We stop anything from happening.

Sales: We promise clients we can do anything they want.

Account manager: I convince clients to stay even though we couldn’t actually do anything they want.

Customer Service: If we work really hard, maybe someday they’ll promote us?

Founder of Google/Facebook/Twitter/etc.: I made all this money and I still have no idea what to do with my life.