Entrepreneur: I am a 24-year-old entitled and delusional white male.
CEO: I send emails to everyone around the clock thinking this will make them more productive.
Vice President: My role sounds impressive, but it’s just title inflation.
Director: No one knows what I do all day.
Strategist: I got an MBA so I can talk all day.
Manager: I go to meetings all day.
Engineer: I make shitty products.
Social Media Manager: I write clickbait that makes shitty products go viral, which despite being covered by every major media outlet will be forgotten about in three days.
Corporate Security: We watch 24-year-olds badge-in all day.
Generalist: I don’t actually know how to do anything.
Specialist: My job is obsolete after the next re-org.
Facilities Management: We cook a lot of food.
Human Resources: We host a lot of parties.
Branding Division: We create a lot of swag.
Interns: We eat a lot of food, go to a lot of parties, and get a lot of swag.
Diversity & Inclusion: We are a PR move to make people think we are doing something about the diversity problem.
Corporate Wellness: We help overworked, stressed-out people feel better so they can keep working and stressing out.
Corporate Good: We divert attention from all the corporate bad.
User Research: We figured out a way to finally get paid for our Ph.Ds.
Chief Technology Officer: I do a lot of PR interviews about AI and machine learning.
Data Scientist: I make shit up.
Chief Marketing Officer: I try to get covered in AdWeek.
Marketer: Someday I’ll quit my marketing job and become a yoga instructor.
Growth Hacker: We spend most of our time writing LinkedIn articles that make fun of marketers.
Designer: I put logos on corporate stock images.
Product Manager: I don’t know, it just seemed like the next logical career step after being an engineer.
Project Manager: I am always about to lose my shit.
Communications: We gossip a lot about executives.
Public Relations: When employees sexually harass women, we try to make it sound like we’ll do something about it in the media (we won’t).
Legal: We stop innovation from happening.
Investor Relations: We stop innovation from happening.
Stakeholders: We stop anything from happening.
Sales: We promise clients we can do anything they want.
Account manager: I convince clients to stay even though we couldn’t actually do anything they want.
Customer Service: If we work really hard, maybe someday they’ll promote us?
Founder of Google/Facebook/Twitter/etc.: I made all this money and I still have no idea what to do with my life.