My name is Jessica, and I’m the Canadian girlfriend of Grover Cleveland Middle Schooler Kevin Moscovitz. Contrary to some pernicious allegations from Bobby Victorino of Ms. Hernandez’s homeroom, I would like to go on the record to unequivocally state that I am totally real. Bobby is just making up rumors to distract us from that time he cried at lunchtime. Those weren’t just seasonal allergies, Bobby!

Some of you have been questioning how come Kevin and I have been dating ‘super-seriously’ for six months but none of you have ever met me. Uhh, I live in Canada! Seriously, how many times does Kevin have to explain this? Plus, as Kevin has repeatedly mentioned, I’m super-busy with my modeling/professional video-gaming careers.

Given that, when I am not traveling to photo shoots and/or Starcraft tournaments, I live far away, when do Kevin and I see each other? That is a good question. We see each other over the summer and on weekends when Kevin flies to visit me in Ottawa, a city he absolutely knew existed before the day Jeanie Cavalero asked where I lived and he blushed and ran off to the bathroom where he definitely didn’t google “list of Canadian cities” on his phone.

Plus, over spring break, Kevin is going to visit me at a Starcraft tournament in Tokyo. Unfortunately there is no photography permitted at these tournaments, so Kevin won’t be able to prove that he is here with me, his hot model/professional gamer girlfriend, and not at his dad’s house in Hackensack as per the custody agreement worked out by the Bergen County Circuit Court in Moscovitz. v. Moscovitz (nee Thompson). He will, however, bring you back some Japanese candies as proof that he was, in fact, in Tokyo. They will be lychee -flavored and kind of gross, but that just proves they are really from Japan. They are certainly not from the Asian market behind his dad’s house. Kevin has never been in that store and he definitely doesn’t buy cold, stale kappa maki from it on nights when there’s no solid food at his dad’s house because his stepmom is doing a juice cleanse.

Another point that has been raised is my striking resemblance to the girl who appears in the stock photos used to fill out Kmart picture frames. Good catch, Robbie! That was actually from one of my first modeling shoots! No, I don’t think it’s weird that Kevin carries a professional modeling photo of me in his Hunger Games wallet rather than, say, a picture of us together or one of me in just my bra, a state of undress that Kevin has seen me in many times because, as mentioned before, we are ‘super-serious.’ I don’t know why you would think that, and I also don’t know why some of you would describe Kevin’s Hunger Games wallet as “for little girls” or “lame as shit.” It is neither of those things. Boys can like Hunger Games too, Darren.

I would also like to make it clear that Kevin doesn’t dance with girls at Bar Mitzvahs because I would get too jealous. I know it sucks that I insist on this, and otherwise Kevin would be out on the dance floor grinding up a storm. Some of you have suggested that Kevin doesn’t dance because he is scared or “the biggest pussy ever.” Neither of these allegations is true; Kevin isn’t scared and everyone knows the biggest pussy is Trevor.

Now as a hot model, a rich video game champion, and an 8th grader, I could have my pick of any middle school boy. But I am very happy and lucky to be with Kevin. What makes Kevin so great? Well, besides being an Xbox owner who is good at D&D, Kevin is really great at kissing. French kissing, regular kissing, and butterfly kissing, really, name a type of kissing and Kevin is awesome at it. Probably because he has had so much practice with me and with my equally real predecessor, Cassidy, the girl who could never accompany Kevin to school dances because she was in witness protection.