Approach a mirrored wall and check your abs.

Whale on your bis.

Talk loudly to another weightlifter about weightlifting.

When you’re finished with the barbells, scream and let go.

When everyone — everyone — turns to see who shook the gym floor, don’t acknowledge them. It’s not your fault they’re amazed.

Make love to a man in the shower cubes.

Crank up a treadmill to 10 mph. Stand there checking your phone. Turn the treadmill off. Step off.

Approach a young lady on the elliptical. Tell her about your workout plan.

Bang out a free-weight circuit with a rose in your teeth.

Weep on the recumbent bike.

Assess the abs again.

Wear huge headphones. Any time a lady comes near, whip them off and say, “What?”

Take another look at your abs.

Once you really get going, pull on a knit cap.

Add scarf and mittens.

Have a Muscle Milk sent to the lady on the elliptical.

Wait for her at the little table by the front desk. When she comes out of the locker room, kick out a chair for her.

When she refuses to sit, return to the locker room.

Take off your barefoot sneakers.

Put your wedding ring on.

Stand naked watching Pardon the Interruption.

Actually use the sauna.

Emerge sleeveless.

Whale on your bis.

Ask the lady at the front desk if she’s single. Ask if she wants to get a Muscle Milk later.

If she says her schedule is booked, say, “How about right now?” because she’s obviously free now — she’s talking to you.

When she says no, say, “I insist.”

When she declines again, say, “Put it on my account.”

When she declines again, say, “I wish to renew my membership.”

Renew your membership. When she asks for your name and address, ask for hers.

Say, “Fair is fair.”

And if that doesn’t work, fuck it — join another gym. This place sucks.