#109, Takeout: To achieve orgasm, fuck dinner. Order takeout.

#467, Passive Couch: To achieve orgasm, sit on opposite sides of the couch and watch literally anything. It doesn’t matter. Allow your eyes to glaze over until you start drooling and drag yourself to bed. Pray to God the kids don’t come out in a stream of neediness, asking for a glass of milk/water and/or banana with peanut butter to settle their stomachs.

#222, Holiday: To achieve orgasm, visualize the slow death of people posting vacation photos on Instagram with their little shits. Tell yourself their happiness is not real or earned.

#481, Big Suck: To achieve orgasm, take your Dyson Turbo and mercilessly vacuum up every last LEGO in your house instead of meticulously returning them to color-coordinated bins. Watch your ungrateful child not even notice.

#781, The Throne: To achieve orgasm, find time to poop by yourself without a kid following you in and asking about the origins of outer space, or wanting to sit on your lap, or pleading behind the locked door for you to look at their terrible drawing of a train.

#064, Penguin: To achieve orgasm, hate-wave from your lawn at your mouth-breathing neighbors across the street who keep having super-spreader parties and let their kids run amok.

#891, Creamed: To achieve orgasm, eat ice cream every night.

#340, Lone Ranger: To achieve orgasm, find yourself all alone at home where you can do anything at all but will spend the time re-reading the same opening paragraph of a personal history essay in the New Yorker you’ve been trying to get through since 2018.

#005, Solo Text: To achieve orgasm, find an empty room and text your fucking pants off. Chat with anyone who doesn’t live at your house. Measure their bubble against your own.

#436, Explorer: To achieve orgasm, eat a meal by yourself and drink the last soda.

#087, Moan: To achieve orgasm, cry uncontrollably without asking to be excused or offering any explanation.

#692, Cold Pony: To achieve orgasm, don’t look at or speak to your spouse for 24 hours because they are on your last nerve. Hate-fuck them with your eyes.

#932, Flip-Flop: To achieve orgasm, order replacement flip-flops and then immediately find the flip-flop that has been missing for five months that you’ve been searching for constantly and had elevated to Grail status.

#051, Wagon Train: To achieve orgasm, fantasize about being capable of living off the grid, growing a victory garden, slaughtering livestock, and homeschooling on a far-flung homestead.

#001, The Zealander: To achieve orgasm, imagine you live in New Zealand.