“This film set is going to be just like a family for the next three months. As the director, I’m like the dad, and Dave the Director of Photography is like the mom, which is why I’ll be constantly belittling him for his set choice and clothing in front of everyone.”
“We’re so glad you decided and/or were forced out of economic necessity to join the Uber family! Sure, you’ll make less than you would have a few years ago when you were in a family that had a union, we’ll insist in court that you’re more of an ‘independent-contractor’ family member rather than a ‘full-time’ family member and you like it that way, but then show me a family that isn’t dysfunctional and I’ll show you a family that isn’t scaling fast enough.
“We’re so glad you joined the family at this underfunded public school. Remember, you’re just like a mother or father figure to these kids. You teach them, take care of them, feed them, and oh yeah — take a bullet for them, even though your salary puts you right on the poverty line for this area. We’re just your typical traditional family that preys on each other’s altruism, and could be invaded unexpectedly at any minute by a crazed relative with a restraining order. Anyway, have a nut-free brownie!”
“At this trendy restaurant run by a big-name male chef, we’re just one big ol’ family of foodies. Yum, it’s a family where everyone sleeps with everyone else and the dad gets in on the action, so it’s a little V.C. Andrews (granted, with apology cinnamon rolls afterward!). Also, there’s a rampant party culture that makes college frats look like amateurs, but the bright side? It makes you feel like maybe your real family is… sorta functional, after all.”
“Here at Tesla, we’re just a happy little family from the Valley. Sure, Elon exhibits some alarming behavior and we just have to smile and nod and act like everything’s fine because he exercises a complicated form of legal control over us — but when you think about it, don’t most families have dads with minority voting stakes they can leverage over the rest of the family? And don’t make us turn this car around, because the nearest supercharger is over 100 miles away.”
“This movie theater staff is truly a family. One of us is always going around cleaning up, turning off the lights and shushing people while the rest of us eat too much popcorn and watch the latest superhero-origin-story-villain-supergroup-crossover-mashup-sequel for the 17th time.”
“We all know that journalism is a highly competitive field. But at this media-friendly family, we value our employees like we value our mothers. So that being said, you’re all fired, and per your at-will contract, we don’t have to give you a reason or any severance. Consider this a routine house-cleaning — and speaking of cleaning, you have ten minutes to clear out your desks and get the hell out of here! Love you! Rooting for you!”
“At this Chuck E. Cheese, we’re all one big happy germy family run by a rat who serves pizza. Don’t overthink it.”
“Here at Twitter, we’re a very large, very functional family with no discernible rules as to who gets kicked out versus who stays in. Most of us are totally inactive, a lot of us are posers, and our dad @Jack marks all his favorite kids with blue check marks. Like any family, when we’re all at the table and someone starts sharing their toxic perspective, we usually punish the person who speaks up and objects. Papa @Jack likes to pretend that bots and Russian trolls haven’t exerted any force on our democratic landscape — like most dads!”
“We, the cast and crew of this high school play, are now a family. We are forever fused into one passionate soul, and can never imagine a time when we will have to think for forty minutes before remembering the name of the boy we stage-kissed during Fiddler on the Roof. Now let’s get to the cast party at Becki’s to watch the play we literally just performed in 60 second Instagram stories — our family’s equivalent of a home movie.”
“You’ve seen the ads. When you’re here, you’re family. And look, families yell at each other. So, yeah, that’s why I screamed at you in front of the entire Olive Garden Saturday night dinner crowd. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed that you spun the parmesan cheese grater a split-second after the guest said, ‘when.’ We’ll get through this because we’re family— at least until 11 pm. Also, I know your shift is over, but can you take out the linguini trash?”
“This university’s English Department has a storied genealogy. We have the “kids” who borrow money to be here, we have the “moms,” who serve on all the committees and we have the “dads” who teach one class a term, have to be reminded not to have sex with the kids, and publish a book every two years.”
“This hedge fund is going to be the most fucking family family that ever familied, you family fuck!!! We’re like every WASPy family: our darkest secrets and lies are rotting our very foundation, but we resist any regulation that would bring them into the light. The family that does cocaine together stays together — at the top of modern American capitalist society!!!
“Here at Arby’s, we’re a family now and forever. Because once you’ve seen how a BACON BEEF ’N CHEDDAR is really made, that’s it — you’re bonded for life.”