As you no doubt are aware, the great experiment of democracy can be a messy business. Sometimes, mistakes are made. As secretary of state, it is my duty to reach out to you in a spirit of transparency and accountability regarding last night’s midterm election results. So, on behalf of my home state, I would like to apologize for the fact that our electronic voting machines inadvertently elected a pack of wolves to the US Senate.
Really. Our bad.
Pack 3764-B® was obviously not supposed to be on the ballot in the first place. Wolves? In the senate? Despite what the Air Bud movies might have you believe, canines should not take jobs away from humans, be it in the sports entertainment world or the hallowed halls of the US Capital. Unfortunately, it only takes one voting machine irregularity to transpose the name of a Senate candidate with the name of a referendum meant to reintroduce natural predators into the ecosystem of a national park. We could not have predicted it would happen, and we could not have predicted that a pack of wolves would be so popular with our electorate.
On the positive side, we were thrilled to see that our wolf reintroduction ballot issue was also met with enthusiasm! Congratulations to Patrick Bozeman, the former Republican senator who will be forcibly introduced into Glacier National Park later this week. Be sure to bring a coat, Pat. Once that snow starts falling, you’ll need it!
Now, it seems that the naysayers and the pundits have plenty to say about our esteemed new senator, Pack 3764-B. Apparently, some people believe that it would be the best thing for the wolves to withdraw their candidacy and cede the election to the Democratic nominee. As a Republican, I believe there is nothing more important than states’ rights and individualism, and there is no greater civic responsibility that I bear than to make sure that every voter’s voice is heard — be it via supporting a ballot issue or via howling across a cold and desolate prairie. Regardless of what the rest of the country wants, the people of this state have spoken, and they have spoken loudly and clearly. They want a pack of wolves in the US Senate, so that’s what they’re getting. And to anyone who would accuse me of making this decision out of pure self-interest: well, we have wolves now. Tread lightly.
Over the next six weeks, a team of naturalists will be working closely with the wolves to assist them in acclimating to the US Senate. Fellow Republican senators will be receiving heavy leather gloves, padded suits, and bear mace to be used during Senate hearings. We are aware that wolves instinctively hate and fear Mitch McConnell, so we have put a bell on his collar so he does not catch them unaware. We’re still trying to figure out if the wolves have any legislative priorities beyond aggressively marking their territory. We tried sign language, you know, like they do with those gorillas? That… that didn’t work. But American ingenuity cannot be stopped. We’ll crack this thing any day now. Hopefully in time to repeal the ACA.
America, we thank you for your support and beg you for your continued patience. We know that with some patience, some basic civic education, and a thousand pounds of bloody meat for training purposes, these wolves will learn to serve our country with the dignity and respect that you deserve.
Besides, it could be worse. At least nobody in this state voted for Ted Cruz.