1. Write about a personal challenge you have recently faced and how it has shaped who you are today. While we would prefer you write about something other than the pandemic, we are resigned to the fact that you will probably write about the pandemic. Please just avoid using the word “unprecedented.”
2. Why do you want to attend our university? This is the only year we would actually believe you if you wrote, “I like your rural environment, secluded from the rest of humanity.”
3. Which of our unique housing programs appeals to you most, and why? In the likely event that we will not be able to provide sufficient dorm space for the entire class of incoming freshmen, how would you win a Hunger Games-style tournament to ensure yourself a spot? Be sure to account for the incoming freshmen who were admitted last year but ended up taking a gap year (i.e., competitors who have had an extra year to prepare for your battle to the death).
4. Tell us about a time when you took initiative, and discuss the outcome of your actions. Hypothetically, suppose one of our professors took too much freedom with our online semester and fled to an unknown location in the Caribbean. And, again hypothetically, whenever we email her to come back to campus, she just responds, “HAHA LOSERS YOU’LL NEVER FIND ME.” Also (please keep in mind, this is just a purely hypothetical exercise), she teaches one of our most popular freshman seminars. Would you be able to track her down for the sake of your education?
5. What unique talents do you possess that would enrich our college community? Example responses could include an abnormally effective immune system, antibodies, and bassoon.
6. Describe a time in which you publicly confronted a belief with which you disagreed. In your response, please address whether your confrontation went viral on Twitter, whether anti-maskers sent you death threats, and in which part of Florida it occurred.
7. What three words would you use to describe yourself? We know it has been a tough year, so we can just give you the first one as a freebie: hopeless. DO NOT try to be clever and write something dumb like “I think differently.” WE ARE LOOKING FOR THREE ADJECTIVES. YOU ARE NEITHER FUNNY NOR UNIQUE FOR WRITING THAT. YOU JUST LOOK PRETENTIOUS. We did not even enjoy seeing that line before the pandemic, so it is especially unwelcome during these times.
8. Which opportunities would you take advantage of while on campus (i.e., in your childhood bedroom)? Please visit our redesigned student website to browse extracurricular activities like tutoring local students but on Zoom, performing a capella but on Zoom, and playing intramural frisbee but on Zoom.
9. Who inspires you? Is it our university president, who instituted mass layoffs and a hiring freeze before increasing his own salary by 35%?
10. At the end of the day, what’s really the point of doing any of this anyway?