Sure, Donald Trump may have called Mexicans rapists, promised to ban all Muslims, and bragged about sexual assault, but Hillary Clinton is literally the Devil. She is a little red demon that has two tiny horns on her head, a pointy tail and a big red pitchfork. Every time she leaves for Earth, she reaches into her devil closet, pulls out a blonde wig and an outfit that a focus group has agreed is neither too passive nor too threatening, and leaps up a very long stair case that spirals from the Earth’s core to Des Moines, Iowa. How do I know this? Well, because I’m in hell. I live in hell. I was a bad man, and now I have to suffer eternally, but whatever, that’s my bag of dicks to swallow.

Look, I can’t vote in this election. I have no horse in this race. I’m not trying to sway you politically, I just want you to get the facts straight. It’s a fact that Hillary Clinton is the Devil. I would show you a picture, but every time we take a photo here, it’s always a picture of yourself when you accidentally take a selfie from a bad angle. Really does a number on your self-esteem. This place blows!

In hell, all we get to watch is Fox News and the latest seasons of Jerry Springer — the episodes where people can text in their thoughts, and the texts play on a ticker at the top of the screen. It’s so fucking annoying. I hate it. We all hate it, but hey, that’s hell!

I’ve always been a stickler for accuracy, so when I heard liberals on the news denying that Hillary Clinton is the Devil, I knew I had to speak out, because she is, in fact, the Devil. I have seen it first hand. She’s practically my boss, and at the end of the day, she’s pretty fair, but that doesn’t mean she’s not the Devil! She IS the Devil! She’s always running around on her hooves stealing souls and shit. So please stop saying she is not the Devil! I already have enough to deal with down here.

And while I’m clearing stuff up, hell is not 9 circles; it’s 10 squares. And instead of being categorized by various sins, it’s categorized by various scents. Square 1 is Rotting Fish, Square 2 is Old Urine, Square 3 is Corn Chips and so on. Not that it matters, but I’m in Square 8, which smells like Yo Momma’s Butt Crack. It’s pretty awful. You can tell yo momma was a slut, but I guess I deserve this, because I was a very bad man. But this is not about me! This is about Hillary Clinton and the undeniable truth that she is the master of the fiery underworld.

Finally, to address what you’re all thinking, yes, Donald Trump will be in hell. He has a room waiting for him here. When Hillary wasn’t looking, I peeked at his floor plan. It was none of my business, it was wrong of me to look, but like I said, I am a bad man. He’s got a tiny room that he’ll be forced to share with beauty queens over the age of 35 who have gained at least 15 pounds each (gaining weight is a one way ticket to eternal damnation). The room has unflattering fluorescent lights, and the walls are made of nice looking pussies. I mean REAL nice, tight, shiny pussies, but every time he tries to grab one, his little hands will disappear. Poof! They’ve really got him set up here. So, yes, Donald Trump will be in hell, but HE is not the Devil. Hillary Clinton is the Devil! Please take me seriously. I had to miss a squash game for this.