Dear Faculty,

We realize that it may be difficult to grasp how social distancing will work in college classrooms this fall. To better aid you in properly positioning your students so that they can all remain safe and healthy, the administration has produced this helpful guide that explains physical placement in terms each discipline will understand.


Begin class by having students head in different directions from the classroom to demonstrate how far they would run if a classmate accidentally combined nitric acid with hydrazine. Once they have reached a safe location, have them stop and stay that far apart from each other for the remainder of the semester.


Seating spacing will be determined by converting into feet the number of words between the start and end of a sentence in Faulkner. Depending on the Faulkner work, students may need to be placed into other buildings on campus or possibly on to campuses at other colleges.

Political Science

Students will explore the intersection of personal sentiment and American political life by spending the semester ten paces apart and in the same positions taken during the Hamilton-Burr duel.


Seat students at individual lab tables six feet apart. To enforce placement and encourage mask-wearing, the space between students will contain live smallpox virus samples held in lightly sealed beakers made of spun sugar that react poorly to being bumped. (Please note that if students violate social distancing, teaching will continue in-person because the room will need to be sealed off from the rest of the university.)


Have students map out the genealogical trees of the Old Testament until they are all stationed fifteen begots apart.


Students will begin in the classroom and then move out in an attempt to be infinity steps apart. Every time they get situated, the professor will shout, “One step further!” When they get back to their dorm rooms, declare that good enough and move class online.


Professors should contact local schools and request printed copies of the amount of bureaucratic paperwork and testing requirements the average teacher deals with during the academic year. This material will be placed as a barrier both between each individual future teacher in your class, and between each future teacher and their pedagogical dreams.


Students should begin class online with a discussion of what it really means to be “in person” anyways. They should then stay online until they have resolved all questions about human existence.


Students will be seated one fallen statue of a historical figure apart. As statues are the only way we learn history, this will also remove the need for students to buy books.


Same as Political Science, but with props.

Foreign Languages

Students should remain in their rooms until other countries feel the United States’ handling of the coronavirus is safe enough to allow Americans to travel.


As the limitations on student activity in residential areas basically recreates the Stanford Prison Experiment, students should spend the semester taking copious notes on how their roommate is handling things.

Computer Science

The programming students didn’t actually want to leave their dorm rooms anyways. You’re good.

Faculty will be able to guarantee students follow these guidelines by including distancing policies within their syllabus, the one document we know all students read.

Please don’t hesitate to reach out with any questions.

Your Dean