These past two weeks have been dark. And I know a thing or two about darkness, because I’m the prince of it. And while I enjoy chaos and carnage as much as the next demon, I have to say that this shitshow goes beyond what I’d consider an appropriate amount of insanity. I guess we’ve finally reached the point where even I, Satan, am appalled at the state of the Republican Party.
Obviously, this has been a long time coming. And don’t get me wrong, nobody has enjoyed watching the Republican Party’s gradual slide into moral decrepitude as much as I have. A war on drugs that actually made the drug problem way worse? Genius! Using one anecdotal example of welfare fraud to throw millions of people under the economic bus? MUAH! Starting a war to protect U.S. oil interests that’s lasted so long that children born after the war started are now fighting and dying in it? I practically creamed my JNCO jeans. Aside from prosperity gospel evangelical pastors, no group in America has done more to bring me millions of doomed souls so I can subject them to an eternity of testicle scorpions and labia papercuts.
But somewhere along the way, this party went from a disciplined, manageable form of malevolence, to straight-up, no-holds-barred, crazytown bananapants. I’m trying to lead a coordinated effort to condemn all of humankind to eons of watching the special edition DVD of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation 2: Eddie’s Island Adventure with Randy Quaid’s scene-by-scene commentary turned on. How am I supposed to do that if we can’t even agree on the fucking facts anymore?
Lies here and there are good. Herbalife? Two thumbs up. The entire consulting industry? Gold star. The notion that life has to have some magical moment where it officially begins? My Ed Hardy trucker hats off to you.
But this QAnon-mongering, COVID-denying, Dominion-voter-fraud-peddling, insurgency-inciting quackfuckery is a bridge too far. This bullshit is making my head spin so fast my wrap-around Oakleys are about to fly off my face. If our goal is to damn the dead to an afterlife of sitting in the middle seat on a Spirit Airlines flight from Orlando to Las Vegas, then we have to leave this nuttery behind us and get back to the tax cuts and deregulation that have been our bread and butter.
Claiming a Presidential election is rigged but that the down-ballot races somehow aren’t rigged, is evil, sure, but it’s also unbelievably dumb. Even for me. And I invented pretending to fart.
And look, it’s one thing to lie to the public about COVID (who do you think bankrolled Plandemic?), but when you, an elected official, won’t even abide by health guidelines after dozens of your colleagues have gotten sick? I don’t know if I can work with people that are so far down the COVID death-cult rabbit hole they make Jonestown look like a day spa.
And now Donald Trump is refusing to pay Rudy Giuliani’s legal fees? I mean, I’m not surprised. But still, that’s low. I may be the Devil, but even I hold up my end of a bargain. If you make a pact with me to get dashing good looks for the rest of your life while a portrait you keep in the attic gruesomely decays, I will deliver. And sure, after you die you’ll be cursed with an infinitum of standing in the middle of the crowd during the Times Square New Year’s Eve Ball Drop the moment everyone around you simultaneously gets a violent case of traveler’s diarrhea. But when you sign that paper with your blood-ink, you know exactly what you’re signing up for and exactly what you’ll get in return. Trust me, when you know as many lawyers as I do, you know how to make a contract air-tight.
Republicans, if you don’t get your shit together, we are heading towards the collapse of American democracy and quite possibly all-out war. And make no mistake, I hate war. Sure, all the people responsible for the millions of deaths get tormented with Ben Shapiro’s audiobook version of Lolita on full volume for all of time. But you know what happens to the millions of innocent people? They go UP, not DOWN.
So can we please turn away from this world-ending stupidity back to regular, run-of-the-mill malice? And when your time comes, I sincerely look forward to subjecting you all to a perpetual hereafter of listening to any two men discuss film.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go put on some purple camo leg warmers, do a CrossFit workout, and then remind Democrats to keep making hollow gestures of support for social causes while doing nothing to rectify the root-cause economic injustices.