I am writing to you as the Vice Provost for Strategic Planning, Performance, Accountability, Decision Making, and Talent Recruitment, with an important announcement. At the request of the president, I have now taken on a new title: Vice Provost of Liquid and Solid Waste.

As our university grows, new infrastructural challenges have emerged. One of these pressing needs is the adequate removal of liquid and solid human waste from our university. As you are no doubt aware, our current system is overloaded. The enormous holding area near the stadium — what students affectionately call the “stench pit” — is clearly at the breaking point. Given our budgetary situation, there is little money for new infrastructural investment. What we need is bold leadership and outside-the-box thinking. As the new Vice Provost for Strategic Planning, Performance, Accountability, Decision Making, Talent Recruitment, and Liquid and Solid Waste, I believe I have a plan that can solve our waste problem while also improving our smell and reputation among our aspirational peers. My solution is a win-win for everyone. Not only will we be able to stem the flood of raw sewage drowning our campus, but we will also improve four-year student graduation rates, increase the number of faculty research grants, and enhance administrative efficiency.

But to do all these things we need to work together. That is why I have initiated a program to divert our university liquid and solid waste to specialized, self-venting holding tanks in all faculty offices. By using existing infrastructure, I believe we can save millions of dollars a year. Pushing university waste down to individual faculty and staff will free up money to spend on other strategic initiatives such as the new student nap center and the administrative day spa. The continued success of our university depends on each of us taking on new responsibilities. And housing a self-replenishing container of human urine and feces is one of the most important of these. Just as decisions flow down from the president, so will millions of pounds of human waste.

But isn’t piping all that sewage into offices a huge investment? Not as much as you may think. Jim in Facilities insists it is mostly about turning the pipes around. I understand that you may have reservations about this given Jim’s less-than-stellar track record dealing with the current sewage crisis. But no one understands the university’s waste system better. In fact, Jim was exceedingly enthusiastic about leading the waste-redirection project. He even offered to demonstrate the process in my office. That Jim is a funny guy!

You may worry that having a tank of human excrement in your workspace will inhibit your ability to teach, research, and breathe without retching. We do not believe this will be a problem. First, the amount of shit in your office will be measured in terms of our Accountability Rubric. This Rubric averages together grant money, teacher evaluations, and research citation scores to generate a ShitMetric. The ShitMetric will determine how much human waste you will have to house in your office. Once the system is in place, university administrators will be able to efficiently move urine, feces, and other bodily fluids from higher to lower-performing faculty.

The colossal flow of human waste into your offices does raise the prospect of an increase in illness and disease. To deal with this issue, we are running a parallel education and sanitation program emphasizing handwashing and bleach showers. In addition, each office will be equipped with vomit bins, antibacterial handwipes, and those medical waste containers with the giant biohazard warnings on them. We are also providing students with hazmat suits and gas masks. As always, student success comes first!

I know that some of you do not have offices. In that case, we are asking you to wear a portable container. Two times a day you will have to replenish your tank at the many conveniently located holding stations on campus. However, we ask that you respectfully remove your tanks before entering the Administrative Zone, the quarter-mile ring surrounding the Provost’s and President’s offices.

We thank you for your dedication and service to this great but pretty bad smelling university. Every bit of human waste you hold in your office puts our university one step closer to our strategic and olfactory goals. All of us must play our parts in ensuring institutional and sewage success.