## FORIMMEDIATERELEASE

The Supremely Prestigious Advanced Calculations Department at MI-CalTechVard has, after much R&D, discovered the the most predictive, immovable constant in the mathematical universe is, in fact, Jennifer Klein’s relationship status.

Theoretical physicists and advanced actuarialists have found her sustained singleness to be remarkably, incontrovertibly stable — even as she, increasingly, is not.

We therefore recommend that all Fibonacci fanboys discontinue the use of more traditional geometric markers — Einstein or Avagadro’s numbers, for example — and immediately adopt what will heretofore be known as “The Single Theorem.”

Our researchers understand that we, the global fraternity of mathematicians, can be slow to adopt new initiatives. Our practice is resistant to change, having occupied the greater minds of our collective existence for more than a millennium. However, since we fully expect the duration of Jennifer’s spinsterhood to last more than double that, we must recommend immediate implementation of this superior method of calculation.

Arduous and extensive tests have shown the “Single Theorem” can instantaneously simplify complicated equations, distilling them down to the relevant facts. It is an unprecedented tool in the field of mathematics and will, we believe, fundamentally change the way we work.

Take, for example, the following problem:

Q: A six meter ladder leans against a house. If the ladder makes an angle of 60 degrees with the ground, how far up the wall does the ladder reach?

Previously, finding the solution would have required a horrendously cluttered worksheet, square roots, parallel structures and the invocation of a dead greek widely reviled for sabotaging the grade point averages of future liberal arts majors everywhere.

But when we substitute Jennifer’s constant for Pythagoras, the solution is clear:

A: Jennifer does not own a ladder because ladders are for people with houses and Jennifer does not need a house because Jennifer is single and going to die alone. Given that Jennifer will NEVER NOT be alone, she will never have a home and never need a ladder. The answer, therefore, is zero feet.

This habitual, recurring male void in Jennifer’s life allows us to effectively utilize this zero polynomial in virtually every circumstance. Furthermore, the vast, aching emptiness in her soul simultaneously creates a “vacuum permeability,” permitting any and all unwanted variables to slip away — unnoticed — between the molecules of space.

The Supremely Prestigious Advanced Calculations Department of MI-CalTechVard is proud of this paradigm-shifting discovery. “The Single Theorem” is a concept with which we, the MathLab team, are excruciatingly familiar. We are glad to have conclusively proven its usefulness and wish to thank our despondent, but exceedingly qualified PHD candidate Jennifer Klein, for her patience and participation in this study.