Hey, America, it’s us, the Supreme Court of the United States. We heard you shouting outside our houses that one time, which was really scary. But we’re ready to have a conversation now, by which we mean, we’re ready to talk and we hope you’re ready to listen.
We understand that you’ve been watching some of these latest rulings come down—overturning a New York law limiting gun use in public, all but stripping away your Miranda rights—and are wondering… what the hell? We realize that we’ve failed to communicate a crucial piece of information to you, one that would make all of our decisions make a whole lot more sense. So here goes: We’re actually trying to kill you.
That’s it. That’s our whole deal. We here at the Supreme Court just love watching people die. Americans, specifically. But also people from other countries. Pretty much everyone. In this and only this arena, we don’t discriminate. We didn’t think we’d need to spell it out for you. We haven’t exactly been subtle about it. Have you seen our outfits? We’re fully cosplaying as the Grim Reaper.
To be honest, we’ve sort of always been this way, but lately, we’ve been taking it to the next level. Probably because we got into Squid Game during quarantine. Brett thought it was a documentary. And we were like, why not?
“Interesting,” you may be thinking, “but if you really want us all to die, why aren’t you pro-abortion?” First of all, you guys know abortion isn’t murder, right? Abortion is health care. You know this, we know this. Everyone knows this! It’s fine, Roe is gone. You can stop pretending now.
But second of all (and more importantly, to us), if we let people terminate pregnancies, we don’t get to watch that baby be born, grow up, and then die later in a different, more exciting way. Maybe they’ll die in a school shooting, or a grocery store shooting, or a movie theater shooting, or a police shooting, or—twist!—by suicide! (Also via gun.) The possibilities are endless—but only if we force their birth.
The waiting… God, it’s excruciating. But also fills us with a sick, twisted pleasure. It’s basically our version of edging. Also, we don’t usually have to wait that long for them to die, especially if they’re Black.
And another thing: the person who can’t get an abortion could die while pregnant or giving birth—a far more likely outcome than the parent dying from having an abortion. Abortion is thirty times safer than pregnancy, which is one of the reasons we had to get rid of it. But a pregnant person can die in all kinds of gruesome, horrific ways, like if they can’t access the medication they need to safely complete a miscarriage, or if their pregnancy is ectopic. They could get preeclampsia or go into septic shock. It’s a real variety pack! As we love to say at SCOTUS, variety is the spice of death.
And even if that person survives pregnancy and childbirth—quite a feat, given the maternal mortality rates in the United States—we are comforted by the knowledge that that parent could die after giving birth, again by all the usual means (mass shooting, suicide) or by a slower, less dramatic but still fun for us method (hunger, homelessness, inability to access basic health care), or they could be killed by the abusive partner they wanted to leave but with whom they are now trapped because they had a baby together. The abuser could kill the parent and the kid. Again, a pretty likely scenario! That’s a two-for-one deal, as far as we’re concerned.
We get it, you’re upset. But we’re so tired of hearing you complain about each and every one of our decisions. It’s extremely annoying. Maybe there’s something we can do about that pesky First Amendment.