Today America begins a new era of unprecedented public peace and safety. After years of fierce debate and rancorous discourse, we have the sweeping gun reform so many of us fought to achieve, but never dared dream would pass in our lifetimes. Starting today, every man, woman, and child in America will be required by law to carry a working, loaded firearm at all times.
As your newly appointed Shooting Czar, I understand a small portion of you are uncomfortable with this new law. You’ve enjoyed years of shirking your responsibility to contribute to the safety of your communities, while more civic-minded citizens picked up your slack. These people have been the sentries on the wall, prepared to shoot and kill at the first sign of danger, despite having zero training to do so. Their vigilance is the reason we average only one mass shooting every day in this country. As of today, this burden is no longer these brave citizens’ alone to carry.
Now we will all go to work, care for our families, and live our lives in a shrieking state of high paranoia and cowboy fantasy. Even as we’re settling in for a night of restful sleep with our guns tucked comfortably underneath our pillows, as they’re now legally required to be, we will always assume the shooter in the dark is about to strike. We will live with our fingers on the trigger, as if we are all that stand between our loved ones and a cold-blooded murderer. Because we are, despite all statistical evidence to the contrary.
Today, with the help of the good people at the NRA and some brave legislators, this mindset that critics once derided as a hysterical delusion borne of small penises is the law of the land. The next time some whacked-out psychopath with a death wish wants to shoot up a public space, he’s going to shudder at the probability of being killed even quicker, and then reconsider! Because there are no longer “gun-free zones”; there are only “all-guns all-the-time zones!” The government is not coming to take your guns; they’re giving them to you!
Can I get a “we the people”? Thank you! Thank you. I feel safer already.
Of course, while more guns is the best solution to the mass shootings our country has faced in recent years, it isn’t a perfect solution. This new law requires no training or additional scrutiny for you to buy your federally-mandated firearm–paid for with the Keep America Safe tax credit — because as you know the 2nd amendment is a right, not a privilege! That said, there are some best practices I’d like to share with you as we transition to a fully-armed and empowered citizenry.
No.1: All children between the ages of 8 and 14 are now required to carry either the Lil Buddy Pistol from Smith & Wesson or Bushmaster’s My First Handgun. Please do your best to help your child understand when it’s appropriate to shoot and kill someone.
No. 2: Similarly, our teachers will need another tool in their toolkit. When there are emotional confrontations in the classroom and hallways, teachers must de-escalate them by being a quicker draw than their students. Practice saying, “I don’t think you really want to do that” in the mirror.
No. 3: Sometimes you will need to take out your pistol in public to ensure it’s loaded, show it off to a friend, or just take a fun selfie with it. This can make others nervous. Consider giving a verbal reassurance by loudly declaring, “I ain’t got murder in my heart!”
No. 4: When negotiating a deal or purchase, please don’t casually pat your gun. Guns are for dealing with threats, not making them.
No. 5: If you do feel threatened, pull and fire. That’s what guns are for! But do your best to ensure you’re in real danger before killing someone. Because everyone also has a gun, this can be difficult. Has the suspicious person said, “I ain’t got murder in my heart”? If not, proceed with caution.
No. 6: Suffered a grievous insult? Don’t shoot! All spontaneous shooting deaths should be committed in a dispassionate state of mind. Agree to delay the gunfight for 24 hours. This is also a good rule of thumb for settling domestic disputes.
No. 7: Try to avoid using the phrases, “Make me,” and “You don’t have the balls.”
No. 8: Lastly, law enforcement will continue to be a crucial part of public safety. When officers are called, make their jobs easier by keeping your hands away from your weapons. Unless, of course, you suspect they’re some sicko posing as police so they can get the drop on you.
Then you gotta do what you gotta do to keep your family and community safe.