“The US has recorded over 4,000 COVID-19 deaths in one day for the first time” — SBS News, 1/8/21

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Guys, look, I love human sacrifice. You know I do. I was king of the Aztecs during what’s been lovingly dubbed (by me) “the Golden Age of Aztec Human Sacrifice.” And I appreciate the spirit of what you’re trying to do here with this COVID-19 stimulus-vaccine-misinformation thing you’ve got going on, but I gotta say — and Mictlantecuhtli God of Death knows I never thought I’d hear these words come out of my mouth — all the sacrificing is getting to be a little much.

I mean, first of all, you’ve got the whole theory of sacrificial ritual murder backward. When we sacrificed tens of thousands of people for the eternal prosperity of Templo Mayor, the idea was to kill people to bring good fortune for all of society. You’re sacrificing society itself for the good fortune of yourselves. I’m not saying that when I’m wrist-deep in some victim’s chest, the thought that a few of Huitzilopochtli’s blessings might come my way doesn’t cross my mind, but it’s not, like, the whole point of the thing. That just feels sort of gross to me, and I’m literally covered in blood right now.

On that note, look, you gotta vary it up a little. I get sacrificing people for wealth. We do it all the time. But that can’t be literally all your sacrifices are about. We also sacrificed people to stave off disease and ensure bountiful harvests, safety from our enemies, and good weather. But with you guys, it almost feels like you want pestilence, plague, attacks from your foes, and the wrath of the weather gods as long as the money keeps coming in. Like, what’s going on here? We have plenty of different gods we sacrifice to — Xipe Totec, Tlaloc, Huehueteotl, and Xiuhtecuhtli. You guys pretty much just have Capitalism, which is a fine god, sure, but you gotta cover all your bases. And as an aside, our wealth sacrifices were always just a symbolic gesture to the gods. We never got into this 1 to 1 calculus of dollars gained vs. lives lost. Hell, we invented mathematics, but we never used it to justify death with a dollar amount. Like dude, it’s like we’re telling the Spanish right now, it’s not ALL about gold. You gotta have some balance.

We also need to talk about method. You could argue that ripping someone’s heart out while it’s still beating and holding it up for all to see is a little gauche, but at least it’s quick. This whole, downplay-the-virus-so-you-can-have-the-vaccine-to-yourselves-while-your-citizens-die-painful-tragic-preventable-deaths-in-plain-view-of-their-powerless-friends-and-family thing is just cruel. Not to mention plain old poor leadership. I’m literally a god sent from the heavens to rule and live amongst the mortal scum, and even I don’t treat my subjects with that kind of callousness and contempt.

Look, I would never presume to tell any other human-sacrificer how to go about their business. Obviously, you all know what you’re doing. I’m just saying, from one sacrificer to another, I think the gods get it. 350,000 sacrifices is more than enough.