To whom it may concern,
Thank you for considering me for the position of [most likely a board member] at [a foundation that advocates for charter schools or something similar]. It is truly humbling to be given the opportunity. I learned about this job from [probably my brother or father]. I believe the skills I nurtured during my run for President [damnit!] will make me a successful member of your team.
During that run, I saw firsthand how to persevere through setbacks. Whether it was the ridiculousness of my campaign slogan [!], or the college student who made clear I did not understand ISIS, or my inability to take down a field of weak and insane candidates, or my comments about Supergirl being “hot,” or saying I would still invade Iraq knowing what I know now, or asking a quiet crowd to “please clap” for me, or tweeting a photo of a gun with my name engraved on it, or my poor debate performances, I just kept campaigning without changing my stances.
In those moments, many people asked or demanded: “Jeb, please improve”; "Jeb, please change your direction — you came in the clear front runner and are losing”; “Jeb, think before you speak!” And through all of those hardships, I stayed the course. I will do the same as your [you don’t think I’d have to be a political consultant or something, right?] That is the kind of unwavering leadership, determined to do something I have stuck in my head no matter the consequences, I can bring to your [please God be a foundation with a name people recognize]. That mindset is what got me into the race in the first place [how was that painting dolt President before me?]. That’s Jeb.
I have been this kind of leader for most of my career. My experience in Florida as Governor [should I even put this in? People seemed to not care during the race] has given me the skills to galvanize varied stakeholders around new ideas [well, thirteen years ago, when I last ran for office and people liked my ideas], promote economic growth [during a period of steady rise before the 2008 recession], and proficiency in the Microsoft Office Suite [especially Outlook].
Additionally, I can bring my many connections to any task sent my way. After using loopholes and spending six months gathering exorbitant amounts of money, I have met and interacted with many of the most wealthy and powerful members of the United States of America. [They probably won’t be mad if I ask for another favor, but I’ll send a few emails to check on this before I apply for stuff]. My Rolodex will be at your disposal.
Most importantly, the prospect of [being something that’s not President] excites me. I have always wanted to [lose a primary I clearly should have won]. To be intellectually engaged in [not being the most powerful person in the world] and [not being someone the entire world knows] is a dream. I feel lucky to potentially [sit around a Thanksgiving table and see my father, President, my brother, President, and myself, only a Governor and of Florida].
I am confident that in the position of [at least not making lousy paintings] I can excel. Thank you for considering me.
I also speak fluent Spanish.
John Ellis “Jeb” Bush