Kent Woodyard

Non-Essential Mnemonics: “People say President Jefferson had nineteen different mistresses. Dude, Jefferson had Chlamydia—no doubt.”

Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Canada’s bloated, openly-apathetic government makes America’s entrenched, debt-frenzied Congress seem somewhat competent…”

Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Strippers, while tantalizing, can rarely provide comfort—pretty looking but empty inside.”

Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Dude, Wal-Mart always tears apart the illest songs…”

Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Los Angeles residents love actors, singers, and Kobe. San Franciscans prefer “granola people” – bicyclists, bearded Democrats, people with bisexual dads…”

Non-Essential Mnemonics: “President Crawford, Dean Gregory, dignified guests, bloggers and journalists, hecklers, fraternity brothers, campus safety officers, students, and janitorial staff… hello, konnichiwa, salud.” (laughter)

Non-Essential Mnemonics: Veggie Burgers are Pointless. People Can’t Give Up Cow & Still Expect “Burgers” from Gardens

Non-Essential Mnemonics: “I mean… immigration isn’t illegal is it?”

Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Just finished making a massive jalapeno-jerky-avocado sandwich. Oddly… not disgusting”

Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Hey. Idiot. Give me exact change.”

Non-Essential Mnemonics: Most Tourists Can’t Distinguish Between the Famous Hilton Sisters and Random Other Slutty Celebrity Starlets. Paris, Nicky, Lindsay Lohan, Heidi Pratt, Whoever Else—All are Identically Classless to the Typical Foreigner

Non-Essential Mnemonics: “Hey, hotties. Can you make babies? Excellent! Message me. Baby making virtually guarantees betrothal.”